Call me a safe bet, I'm betting I'm not.

Hmm. Today has been a weird day. I slept most of it...like...i've only been up 6 hours today...and it's 7:00pm...Oh well. I remember last time I started doing this it was because I was depressed. But I don't think it's that this time, or if it is - I sure as hell am not aware of it. I've felt pretty happy lately...for various reasons...but anyway, I'm sure I'll be fine. I think it's just from sitting in the house all the time. It gets old, fast. If I had a vehicle it wouldn't really matter, but - I don't. So that's one part of school I'm looking forward to. I guess I should, it is coming up in exactly a week.

I had a hot date last night. Ha, I just like saying that. But I did get to go out with that special someone, so that was exciting. I know she's taking it slow, but she so has me hooked already. I wonder how much of a weakness it is to fall hard for someone quickly...blah. I'm happy with things the way they are though, don't get me wrong.

You don't recover from a night like this..

Blah. I'm bored at home, I'll be glad when I can leave whenever I want again, or at least get out of the house more often. I'm looking forward to going back to school, but not at the same time. I know this semester is going to be a little tougher than the last 3 and half years I've done so far. But it'll be worth it in the end I suppose. Sigh...I watched football all day. What a way to spend a Sunday...alone watching football. This is my last week off. Lets see if it's an enjoyable one...my guess is probably not...but we'll see.

I get to pay for my camera tomorrow, so it should be here by the end of the week, exciting. Plus my new book I ordered should be in by about Tuesday. That'll give me something to do.

It's the little things

I'm at She's house again...watching them play Little Big Planet. Let me just say that if you're looking a different style of game than your used to, pick it up, it's pretty bad ass. So speaking of being here, it's always fun...

but I haven't spoken to a certain someone today...and I feel weird about it because it makes me pretty sad. Which means...I think I like her more than tend to let on...hm, seeing as how I think about her constantly...little things get to me it seems. Like the way she called me last night when I was out and about with She and the family. I miss things like that, things that prove other people are thinking about you.

But don't get to thinking that I'm being obsessive or whatever, I just things could definitely work out...that's all. Speaking of...I wish her parents were more...cool about her doing things. I just want to hang out with her but it's damn near impossible sometimes...or she has to come up with something to get out of the house...it makes me sad sometimes...I just want some time with her, that's all.

I put the Debt In Christmas. What?

So it's Christmas Day. Been ok I guess, got some more clothes and some more money. I hope everyone else is having a good Christmas as well. However, I spent of the day...questioning my credit card debt. It actually started when I talked with a certain someone about her credit card debt. It made me kind of want to take charge of mine, because I've pretty much just been putting it off.

So what I'm going to do is treat this like an acholoics annoynomous thing. I'm going to post on here every 25th of the month. Starting today. It's going to show the stupid amounts of money I owe. I'm not proud of this, I'm quiet frankly embarrassed. So if I show it to the world I'm going to have a much higher incentive to actually take control of it. So I'll list it, and then next month show it side by side, and see how much progress I've made. Here we go...

Walmart - $817
Chase - $267
Capital1 - $814
Platinum- $340
Wamu - $990
Target -$178
Pacsun - $444
____________
Total - $3850

Baby it's cold outside

Not really, it's actually hot as hell to be 'christmas' But anyway...

Here it is, Christmas eve at 10:00pm. Santa will come soon. I just got back from my family gathering we always have at my grandmas house. It was fun, but in truth I just wanted to hurry up and get home because...I want to be there for someone who's having a rough time with some things right now, that are completely unfair to her. She makes me smile a lot, and I don't like to see her upset, so I really want to help - even if all I do is sit and let her yell at me (not AT me, but you know.)

Tomorrow should be interesting. I really want a camera, but I doubt I will get one. I was running around trying to be a photographer tonight with my aunt's Cannon Rebel. It was fun. I put some of the pictures on myspace for people to make fun of them. I guess really I could take the christmas money I'll get and buy a camera...but I really need to pay bills with that money - sad I know.

I hope all of you (by all of you I mean the 2.46 people who actually read this) have a Merry Christmas tomorrow. That's right...fuck 'happy holidays' I said Merry Christmas.

Let Me See Your Hips Swing

My mom's health is bothering me. It makes me sad. I know she's unhealthy, but she just doesn't seem to care, or be willing to put forth any effort to make any changes that would help her. I think she doesn't really care to live any more, which is very sad that someone would feel that way. She's supposed to have surgery, but her heart isn't in the condition to even have those surgeries yet. Blah. I hope it all works out. Anyway...

YES. My dad went and bought himself a new Ford explorer, which means I get to take his old one. Which means I have something to drive now. Sort of. I don't think I'm going to be able to just come and go like I used to, but I should be able to least get out a little more. Maybe spend some more time with someone...*wink* ...Speaking of...I gave that someone a surprise visit at work tonight. I hope it at least made her smile. The 30 minute drive was so worth it just to be able to see her and talk with her in person for a few minutes, while she fought with dead fish. I'm geeky, I know, but yeah...

I've got promises to keep

Here's my daily update. But I don't really know what to say, lol. Nothing too eventful other than hanging out with my ever awesome La'trio.

There is this. I went to a music production at my church because my grandma asked me to, and I felt too bad to say no. So I went. And kids from Overhills high school were there. I taught a lot of those kids when they were freshman in high school, and to see them now as seniors, still in music, better players, growing up. (I realize they're not much younger than me, but still, I see these things.) Ah. That's why I want to teach. I don't know why, but it gives such a sense of satifaction to me.

Other things... are good. Or at least I feel good about them. I feel like nothing is being rushed, and that when/if it happens it will be because it is supposed to, not just...'oh because he's there' and that makes me feel good. Hmm. =)

I'm sleepy, but thinking.

Baahahaha.

I said something. I wasn't planning on it. But she's too smart and tricky. Well, I guess I DID start it by telling her best friend, who automatically ran her mouth. And the, saying I was looking forward to 'new things' in a survey didn't help. Actually, that started it, and then I couldn't pass it off like it was nothing when she asked me about it, in her tricky scheme to just get me to admit it!

I'm glad I did admit it though, I hate keeping how I feel in, I just don't handle it well. So there I got it out. And when she's ready, I'll be ready. I'm still nervous as hell though, but I'm sure it'll pass.

Man, I'm crazy. I don't know what I'm getting myself into, but I'm looking forward to it, a lot.

Sing for the moment.

I think the human heart is a weird thing. And by human heart, I mean the emotional one. I know the physical one is crazy enough, but the emotional one we all have is so deep...so complicated...it amazes me. The fact that we are capable of having 'feelings' for other people...and the funny part is that it's usually feelings for someone who does not care for you at all. Why is that?

I guess a better question is...why is it we sometimes think we might have feelings for someone...but don't say anything? Especially when it's someone who really seems to have a good heart, who is looking for quite possibly the exact same thing as you are. Hm.

Which leads me back to something I've said for a while...I'm totally stupid. lol. I don't like having to make decisions. Especially these...To go with it? Or just ignore it and pretend it's nothing? Last time it didn't turn out too well.

Thanks for all the fish.

I know, I haven't updated this in forever, I'm sorry. Haha, oh wait, I'm assuming people care aren't I?

Anyway, break has been slow. Sitting around not doing much. Funny how someone still hasn't even made one effort to talk to me. But whatever, if that is how she wants to be, she can be that way. <-Notice how I try to look tough, even though it really bothers me. lol.

Oh, I made this new friend last week. Haha, she's this girly who's name is Courtney, and she's pretty much awesome. She gave my lame ass a ride to the theater to see The Day the Earth Stood Still. Which...was good. Sort of. I like Sci-fi alien things, and I like the emotionless-ness of Keanu Reeves, haha. But overall a pretty good remake of the older black and white version.

Anyway. I've been doing some yardwork, making a little bit of money from it, woot. Christmas is coming up, and I don't really care? Or I should say I'm just not that excited for it? I don't know. I guess it's a combination of people not really acting festive this year, and all the bullshit that keeps happening to people who are good and don't deserve it, that could be why.

High School Highs

So something happened today. Or really, something was said to me. I'm not going to say who, or what about, but I will be the first to say that it is complete and total BULLSHIT. I am NOT in high school and I should not have to deal with stupid BULLSHIT high school mentality that for some reason people don't like to let go of. Well maybe it's because we haven't been out of high school that long, so I guess it should be expected. I don't mean to sound harsh or mean, but I'm just upset so yeah...

I realized today why I never have had many friends throughout my life. Honestly I can count my close friends on my fingers. But the reason I've never had many is because in the end, they've ALWAYS put me on the back end of things and have ALWAYS been able to push me aside for whatever reason they deemed more important. I guess I should really get used to these things in reality, because I'm sure it's going to be like this for the rest of my life.

And for the record, because you know who are you, I'm not holding any of it against you...nor am I trying to upset you or yell at you. I'm not mad at anyone, well honestly I am because..well I'm just am, but I'm just more pissed off with a certain situation than I am people. But there's not much I can do about it so I guess I should just shut the hell up and do what I need to do, and look past it and get over it. Yeah, that's exactly what I'll do, so you know what, it's fine really, but fuck this.

One-Way Ticket to Nowhere.

Aww.  I got an email from the band director of Middle Creek Highschool today.  I worked with their marching band this summer, and the kids always seemed to really like me.  So anyway, he emails me today thanking me for the work I did with his program, and then told me their concert is Sunday at 3pm, and that the kids were asking me to come, so he wanted to invite me.  

Stuff like that makes me feel so special, like I actually made a difference and the kids appreciate it.  I guess that's really sappy, but whatever, it's exactly why I want to teach, I look forward to it so much.

Anyway, I woke up at 1pm today.  What the hell.  I never wake up that late, it means I slept for 12 hours straight.  So not like me.  Christmas is only 2 weeks away, but it doesn't feel like it.  I just don't care this year, and I hate to sound stupid, but I guess it's because I'm alone this christmas.  I know I'm such a loser, but this is the first holiday season I've been truly 'alone' since I was 14.  So it's just weird.  

It was worth it just to learn some slight of hand

I've been at Shelia's house since Saturday night, lol. If you don't know who I'm talking about...Shelia and her family are like my second family from home. I've haven't seen any of them since September either, so I'm glad I've been here. I'll probably head home this afternoon though, my parents are probably wondering if I'm still alive.

Other things...are better. I'm kind of glad things turned out the way they did for a few reasons. The fact that we're on break is probably the best thing that could have happened. So for those worrying about things, you can stop that, because it's all good. ;)

Hm. So, I consider myself to have 2 best friends. One more so than the other, simple because the other hasn't been in my life that long. But for the one that has been in my life longer...she's not going to be here much longer. By here, I mean locally, in North Carolina. I know I'll still be able to talk to her when I need to, but it's just weird to know that someone you've known forever is no longer going to be just a few minutes drive away. I'm going to miss her terribly, and I wish I had reconciled our differences sooner than I did.

So today

has been rather uneventful. Not that big of a deal though, really. I could have gone to wilmington today and probably enjoyed it. But no, that means Jeska would have to had picked my up from my house. And my parents would completely flip out. I really don't like the fact that they hate her. In a way it's kind of not fair I guess because they are very one-sided on the whole situation. They have no idea that I even talk to her anymore, and I'm sure they'd have a few words for me if I tried to explain otherwise. Oh well, such is life.

So instead, I've chilled all day. I watched Transporter 3. Good stuff, in my opinion, even if it is unrealistic. We all need some fantasy stuff every now and then. Gets us away from everyday things, right?

Now I'm watching the Gator game on CBS. Fun.

I've had a weird feeling in the back of mind all day as well. I hope it turns out to be nothing, but it's kind of worrying me. I don't know what it is, but I hate feelings like that, but I'm sure it's nothing.

Anyway, I guess I'm going to go back and watch the game, perhaps practice horn in a little while - I really like this Bethoveen Sonata I'm working on, it's pretty pimp. Hopefully I can get it up to performance standards so I can perform it on my senior recital.

So I think...

I think I'm done.  With this I mean.  Well at least in the context that I've pretty much used it for since the end of October.  We'll see what else I have to talk about from now on.  Haha.

It's mainly because I just don't think I should anymore, it's that simple, so don't really read into anything.

Fate is an elagant .....

cold-hearted whore, she loves salting my wounds - Yes, she enjoys nothing more.

lol. I think I was moody this morning. Oh well. It happens I guess, sorry about that.

I just sat down and played my horn for about an hour. For the first time in my life, it felt therapeutic. Kinda weird. If it keeps that up, I might actually become a good horn player, because it means I start playing all the time. I really need to start getting ready for my senior recital anyway, it's coming up quick - and even if I start practicing the music now - I still wont feel prepared by the time next January comes around.

So I was thinking about...things...certain people...certain events.. I really hope stuff works out concerning those things. I really think she needs it. So I'm pulling for her to get what she wants, ;) haha, weird for me to say I know, but eh.

So while everyone else is ready for break, to leave Campbell for a month, and not have to even think about it. I'm dreading it so much. Ugh. I just don't want to sit in my room all day, every day, for the next month, but I know that it's what's going to happen. Oh well.

Uneventul Thanksgiving.

Hm. I'm basically only writing because I haven't in a few days. My break has been crappy as expected, with the lack of a car and all to do anything - which means I just sit here. All day. There's only so much you can do to occupy 14 hours a day in your room. Now I'm not really trying to complain, I'm just stating it how it is. Thanksgiving wasn't really a big deal in our family this year. I guess it's not as big of a deal as I'm making it, but it was just strange...

Other than that...let's see...she started talking to me again...I'm sure she's still pissed in the back of her mind, but at least she's trying to talk to me again, that made me immensely happy. There's ton more that I could say, of course, but - I'm pretty sure that I should just bite my tongue for now and just let it roll and see what happens.

So, is it sad that I look forward to exam week? I mean no I don't want to take exams, but it means I get to get out of this house, for a few days at least. I've been downloading music yesterday and today in an attempt to entertain myself...and I suppose I'll get back to that.

Bound to happen....

Well, you talked to me today, that's a step better than yesterday I suppose. Looking back on things over the last month, some things have become obviously clear, and I guess I was stupid for thinking they might have been anything in the first place. I wont go into detail here. But I did have a realization about things today. I guess that's good for me...

So today I did something I told myself I wasn't going to do. I went and saw Jeska. And honestly I think it was in my best interest that I did. I think about how bad I hurt over that whole incident, and how I was on the verge of going to a doctor about it. Honestly I can say that talking to you, and everything else that happened between us really helped me to get over the whole situation. Seeing Jeska, talking about Erik. Looking at his dog tags on her neck, and looking at her rings, it didn't hurt anymore. And I felt really proud of myself for it. I'm also proud to say that I stuck to my promise I made you, even if it has been hard these last few days.

Now if I could just fix this one other part of my life that isn't right...I'm hoping that if I just leave you alone for a few days maybe things will get better. I hope so, I don't really know what else to do. I hate knowing you're upset with me. Not to sound like I'm in middle school, but even little things like dropping me off your top friends, it just stings a little because it proves just how upset you are...

On another note. I hate being at home and not in class. Not cool. I sit here in my room, and do nothing. This week is especially bad because, well, I don't have a car to come and go as I please. (I'm not asking anyone for any handouts, I'm just stating the truth) At least it's only 5 days. However, December is going to be awful. But that's life! *fake smile accompanied by thumbs up*

Goals

Sometimes I wonder if posting everyday is a bit too much. Hm.

So today was...hm. It wasn't quiet as bad as I made it out to be. Mainly because in hindsight of saying something (which i shouldn't have said) I realized that - I was an idiot who over-reacted to something completely minuscule. That would seem like me though. I know there's nothing to it, so why should I even get worked up over it in the first place. I realize that if I let my fears take hold of my feelings, I'm no good. So:

goal 1 is to...not do that. lol.
goal 2 is to...let it roll, and have faith in it..

butterflies can make you do crazy things I guess. But I'm not going to let my fears control me, or hold me back for that matter. It's just flat out dumb.

A Crossroads.

So as to be continued from last night....

I realize that I'm at a crossroads in live, and I didn't even notice it was coming up. I repressed everything I ever had and blocked it out so that I wouldn't have to worry about it because I felt like I had a failed at it. By it I'm referring to Faith.

I have a strange set of views and values on faith. I can't explain it on here, because, well - I just can't. I've only been able to get it out once in my life, and that was earlier tonight - and I was stumbling through it, because it was one of the hardest things I've had to do. But no one has ever just sat and listened to me like tonight. They always pressed their views on me, because I needed to do as they do to be right. Maybe it's what I needed all along, someone to just sit there, and listen...and just tell me flat out what it is.

Now, I will be the first to admit...I have NO idea what I'm doing. I know what I want, I just have NO idea how to get there, or what I'm going to do to try. But I can say this. Tonight - right now - I'm apologizing for the things that I know I've done, and especially for some of the things I've said in the past. I'm taking all of my problems, my unhappiness, my fears...and I want to let them go. I want to let whoever is up there take over. I've never been strong in believing in something I have no idea about...but I want to try for the second time in my life. I don't know where this is going to go but I'd like to find out, and I'd like to try to stick to it.

It doesn't mean I'm sold on it. It doesn't mean that I wont give up again. But I don't think anyone is going to mind if I at least give it my best shot and try. Know that this is not a phase. I take faith very seriously, and something that I've always told myself if I wasn't serious, I wasn't even going to give the notion that I had it. I've never personally 'felt God' like many people have. And it's part of why I gave up years ago. However, on the way home tonight, by myself in a silent car...I couldn't help but shake - And I have no idea why.

And while I'm at it. Thank you Erin Potter, and you know why.

But for Now....

I don't know how long this will be. I don't know if everything I'm about to say should be said. But it's going to be because, it's eating me alive.

I.am.utterly.depressed.

There I said it. I have been every since August. And there was someone who was really there for me and was helping me to get rid of that feeling. But suddenly things are the not same with us anymore. Not saying it's her fault at all either. I don't know if she meant for it to happen or what. But I feel like we don't have the same friendship we had a week ago. She had been there for me since the get-go with the whole jeska thing, but she's seemed very distant lately. I don't know if it's on purpose, or if it's not that way and I'm just over-reacting. I'm just stating how I feel on the matter. It seems every attempt to hang out with her is put down...and...well I dunno it could just be bad timing this week, but it was just different feeling last week. And you know, maybe it's because she realizes how crazy I am over her, so she feels like she needs to do this to help me get over it. Or maybe she's doing to avoid her feelings on the matter. Well. I don't like not having my best friend. I miss her terribly even though I see her everyday, if that makes sense.

Anyway. That's just one part of what's wrong with me today. (and yesterday for that matter). The main part is this. As I sat last night....bored....this question crawled into my mind, and has been there since.

"When was the last time I was truly happy with life?"

And I sat, and thought. And thought, and thought. And I realized - I don't have an answer, because I honestly don't know. I thought of my relationship with Jeska. Was I ever really happy in it? The answer is no. Such a tangled web was weaved in our relationship that we were both NEVER truly happy. We only thought we were, but there was always something that brought us down. Whether it be the slue of people that were involved in tearing us apart, or just the actions we took on each other, there was never a point in that 4 year relationship that was happy. We were always worried or fighting about something. So no wonder we failed, we were doomed from the start.

So I thought back to before Jeska. Ica? No. Horrible experience that bled over into Jeska. Not good at all. Well. What about Jessica Mclamb? This might have been possible. The thing that bothers me is that I don't recall at what point things went wrong. But I do know that there was always an underlying shadow in that relationship as well. Her name was Kate Palmer. So what was before Kate and Jessica? Well there was Connie Waddell. But I consider that a young and ignorant relationship in which we were just beginning to figure out some things in life.

So this brings me back to my point of. Have I ever been happy? I'm going to have to go with no. This realization helps me feel a great wave of depression, but it's a true realization none the less. So is there anything I can even do about it? I think not. A long line of failures has made me feel kinda hopeless on the situation.

The only thing I have is this: One day, a girl is going to come along, and blow all these other ones out of the water, and I'll know what it's truly like to be happy" I keep telling myself that, at least. And I would really love to be the one who proves all those guys that this girl has been with were wrong and didn't appreciate what they had.....but I don't know if any of it is even possible in the first place...I'd like to try though. I'm not saying that to describe anyone in particular, so don't think that. But she does come to mind. Anyway..

Sometimes I wonder if my life has gone in the right direction, and if I've made the right decisions. I know the answer to that is no...but does that mean that I should have done anything any different. I think the answer to that is no as well. So...maybe all things happen for a reason. If so I'd really like to know how all this fits and why it's tearing me apart at the seems.

Because in the end. I just want to be happy.

Buying the Cow.

This is from a movie I was just watching...

There is no such thing as the one.
It's more of a mind boggling whole hell of a lot of potential ones
And while all that should be comforting, it's actually pretty terrifying.

We'd all like to kick back and and wait for some magical force to show us who we should spend the rest of our life with...but the truth is, there isn't a lightning bolt that slaps you on the ass and tells you to pick this person over all the others.

if anything, it's like the rain
rain falls all the time...sometimes you're prepared for it, sometimes you're not.
and depending where you are when it hits, you either get caught in it or you don't
and in fact most of us usually try like hell to avoid it.

you might miss the bus, you might catch the bus
maybe you remembered your umbrella, maybe you didn't
there are no big signs, just random torrential bursts of opportunity.

and that's the most fate can do, the rest, is up to us.

...I think it's pretty good, and ironic that it was said the minute i walked in the door...what are the odds right?

I just want the chance to have a place in your heart before you walk away because you feel unsure of it. *sigh*

Percussive Thursdays.

Today has been a sad day.

I'm not sure why. I mean I know I have lots of things in my life to make me sad, but I don't really have any of them on my mind, so what does that mean?

Jeska kinda made me upset last night. Not in a 'I miss you way', just in a 'I don't like thinking about how you hurt me anymore'. And it's true...I am over it for the most part, but it doesn't mean I can just think about the wrongdoings and be okay with it.

Then there's the other obvious. I'm glad that I can pretty much act normal around...her. I mean, yes its hard to hold back my feelings, but I really didn't want it to be awkward between us. So yea, even when she makes me sad, she makes me happy at the same time, how strange? haha. By that, I mean I absolutely LOVE how she makes me feel when I around her. Ha, what a loser I am.

uuuggghhh...

Oh wow. Today is going to suck. A lot. It's already started out with a bad dream that's going to bug me all day, so lets see just how downhill this is going to go.

**Update**

Today wasn't SO bad. Other than about a hour and a half of complete awkwardness. Some things were said to me that made me feel a little better. But there's still so much i want desperately to be said.

I'm not sure what to do with the whole situation, but I do know what I want at least. I just don't know how to go about it.

I'm in over my head.

So if I go ahead and say to myself..."No one reads this thing anyway" then I can comfortably say what I want to say, right? hmm..ok...

So I felt completely 16 years old last night, and I loved every minute of it. I haven't been literally weak in the knees in years. Even at 4am, I couldn't go to sleep for 45 minutes because it was all I could think about...now I just don't know if the feelings were mutual.

I know things are weird, that there are no guarantees when it comes to anything. I don't expect one little thing to secure my place and everything just fall into place. Maybe she's just not capable of having those feelings for me at this moment...I know that I myself am no good at new feelings either, so I could completely understand...I just don't want her to hold back because she's afraid she'll hurt me. Trust me, the risk of getting hurt by her far outweighs me never knowing what could be. Yeah, she's that cool.

Maybe I come off as trying to move in too fast. I really don't mean to...perhaps I should back off slightly. Or perhaps I should give her time to figure this whole thing out? Although I must admit that while I'm still scared myself...there's kind of no turning back for me now...it's amazing what you can...and will...find when you're not looking for it...

Either way, I'm sure we share some of these feelings, I just don't know to what degree...I hope that she in no way thinks that she is any sort of 'rebound' No...everything is for real...and I mean everything I say. I can see her fears, her worries and frustrations about all of this...and I don't know what to do. Sometimes I worry I'm not doing enough...and other times that I'm doing too much and either way the outcome seems bad...

In the end, perhaps I'm just extremely over analyzing the situation. Maybe I should just step back and breathe...I just don't know what to do with these cliche 'butterflies' ...I haven't had them in years. And also...in the end...maybe the right person will read this...

Crash And Burn

Blah. Reading something else made me think of this...Friday was 3 months since she left me.

Funny thing was that she was the last thing on my mind that day. Someone else has been, and it's left me in a situation in which i don't know what to do. I don't want people think I've completely moved on from Jeska, but she's done nothing but treated me like shit lately, and basically she's pushed me almost to the point to hate her, and I even hear rumors of other people she possibly slept with. Ugh. But whatever.

So now I need to figure out what to do with my situation.

Do I ignore it? go on with it? Blah I don't want to make the wrong decision and mess anything up. I worry I wont compare to a certain someone....*sigh* Sometimes I get all the right signals, and sometimes I feel hopeless about it. Ugh I kinda just wish I was better at this whole thing, but I'm not.

Rules of Engagement.

So. Life is still a wreck. more so now than before! Actually, let me start by saying some good things that seem to be happening in my life right now.

I'm doing pretty well in school. Conducting is getting better, I'm starting to be a little bit better of a player, and in general my grades are better. So yes, this is good. Also, I have a phone again. That month without one was torture, and you just be quiet before you make fun of my attachment to my cell phone.

"Her" situation keeps getting worse, as she's made a commitment she had no right making. However, it is her life, so be it. As mean and as bitter as it sounds, one day, when it all falls apart and she regrets it, I'd like to be the first in line to say "I told you so." Then again, for all I know I'll be eating those words later on.

Anyway. Another issue that bothers me. Hm. I can't really say too much about it, just because I don't really think I should? Plus it kinda doesn't matter, I think it's all in vain anyway, lol. It is times like these I wish I had a 'curiosity machine' ...that is a machine that would let you test out things that make you curious without actually having to go through with them, saving yourself time and embarrassment. But then again, I guess that would take the fun out of life, eh?

Blah, Stay Classy Bitches.

A New Beginning

So I haven't used this thing since January, where it started as an attempt for me to speak my mind and spread a little bit of humor. Although I'm sure all of 3.4 people in the world even read any of it.

Life has changed so much for now that I think I might actually use this like I'm supposed to. And it starts like this....

Life without Jeska Blevins. I still don't really understand how it even got to this point? It's crazy the direction that life can take you in. It's easy to feel as if you have more control over than you really do. Because in the end, the decisions that make or break you, aren't even made by you.

I would like to say that reflecting on my relationship with her, we both did more wrong than anyone should do to their partner. Either way, it was done, and love did not prevail. That's why movies are bad, because love always wins at the end. It's important for me to realize that no matter what, I can always say that Jeska Blevins made me a better person, and I will always remember her for that. She taught me to actually understand and value love for what it really is. She was also the first girl to ever break my heart.

Now that she begins a new chapter in her life...one that I had intended to give her, but was not given the chance, I worry for the new chapter I have to embark on. I'm not ready, and I feel as if this part of my life isn't finished, so how can I move on. My mind is filled with a million questions....will she be happy?...will I be happy?...will I ever love again?...will we meet again along the course of our life?...

It's hard to say, because well, we'll never know. It's a hard to decision to move on when you don't want to. It's always filled with the fear of that I'll move on, and as soon as I do, she'll change her mind and want me back. It's a dumb, pointless paradox. But it's one I'm stuck in. Perhaps I need to do what she did, get into a new relationship to make myself get over it? hmm. That seems really selfish. But then again it's working out well for her, isn't it?

I'm glad to say that there are at least some people who have been for me through it all, and I appreciate them more than they probably know, ha...so anyway, we'll just have to see what twist life has for me next...oh yeah....Stay Classy ;)

Teachers....What are they teaching anyway?

So it seems my daily post idea was short lived, I guess it happens when you're in college. *Shrugs*

Speaking of college, as some of you may know, I'm currently in college to become a teacher. [a music education teacher to be exact.] As I go through my schooling day to day, learning how to teach, and what methods to produce the best results, one topic comes up.

Salary.

The average teacher in America makes $45,000 [as quoted from my textbook.] Now, you could think I'm ranting about this just because I want to be a teacher, so I want to be rich. No, that's not it. Not only is pay low as a public educator, they do not receive my credit for what they do. Why can a doctor make $100+K and people think of him/her as a qualified 'professional'. My question today is, Why are teachers not considered 'professionals'? Is it the monetary value that qualifies you to be a professional?

You know, I find it quiet ironic, after all, who taught the doctor how to do the things they are capable of anyway? You guessed it, A TEACHER. It seems our society has forgotten just what exactly it is that teachers do. They shape the minds of our children, they teach them the tools to go out and be a productive part of society. Have you ever thought what would happen if there were no teachers?

Just food for thought, and please, give teachers their due, they work hard for it.

Stay Classy, Interweb

TMZ = Too Much!

Have you ever watched Entertainment Tonight? Access Hollywood? TMZ?

Everyone has flipped on the television to see these shows on, and maybe you've even watched a few minutes of them out of sheer curiosity, I have, otherwise I guess I couldn't be discussing it.

But that is beside the point.

Why do we [Americans] hold celebrities to such high standards? When did these people become our new idols? There are shows completely devoted to finding the most obscene picture first, the most dirt we can find on them as possible. They swarm these celebrities cars, hundreds of camaras flashing.

Here's a news flash I wish they'd post on TMZ.com - Celebrities are real people too!

I'm willing to go ahead and call this what it is - an epidemic. And it's sickening. We need to leave these people alone and just let them do whatever the hell they want, just like you do the neighbor 6 houses down in your sub-division. I dare you to go stand outside his yard and take pictures of him without his consent.

It is not the fault of the thoughtless staff of these entertainment shows. It's us. It's us as Americans who have shown such strong interest that it's become what it has. If we simply put aside every aspects of these people's lives and just enjoy they're movies [their career - because lets face it, do you care what the guy in the local Mcdonalds drive-thru does on the weekends? - I thought not, and it's the same thing the celebs are doing, go figure!] If we could ever manage to do that, maybe things would change in America, but hey, don't let me interrupt your episode of TMZ...

Until Monday, Stay Classy, interweb.

Could We Be So Naive?

Have you ever really stepped back and thought about where our country stands in its interest?

I mean, really stands in its interest?

I do not claim tail upon tail of conspiracy (besides, George W. Bush calls you a terrorist if you question his motives) I just question at what point in our nations 232 years history did our government begin to ignore the good of the people, and begin to use the good of the leaders rule. In many ways, I know longer consider our country a democracy. A big way to prove this is World War I and World War II. Remember that neutral stance we had? We could have easily gotten involved, but our leaders saw the people didn't want it, so they respected that and kept us neutral.

Until Pearl Harbor.

I could begin this paragraph with tells of conspiracy but I wont...I'm not ignorant enough to say our government caused Pearl Harbor. But they knew about it before it happened. That's a fact, and fact that I believe can be well applied to 9/11. Our country has gone downhill fast. Many say we follow in the footsteps of Rome, and well, we all know how that ends.

Could we all be so naive as to believe everything the government tells us is true? Everything? If you do, then yes you are that naive, and I deeply feel sorry for you. I will not tell you want to believe, but instead to question things. If right now you say, 'But how do you know they hide information for the public?' I answer you with this.

'How do you know they don't?'

Don't stand by while our country slowly falls apart from within, question your government, if you haven't noticed, the people we elect to do the work us, don't care what we think in reality. It will take something bigger than just voting to change our course.

Just some food for though...

Stay Classy, interweb.

Drum Corp$ (Yes that's a dollar sign)

Three things come to mind when I think of Drum corps.

1. The amazing shows that these Corps produce year after year.
2. The desire I have to want to participate in this activity while I still can.
3. Money.

The one thing I strongly disagree with in drum corps (other than George Hopkins) is money. I understand the costs it takes to run a drum corps, and I am in no way claiming that corps 'charge' too much. What I want to elaborate on is the fact that a corps shouldn't have to charge anything.

DCI is often quoted as 'Marching Music's Major League', actually, I'm pretty sure that's trademarked by Drum Corps International. (it is, in fact) I do not fault DCI for calling Drum Corps that, I actually believe it's quiet a truthful statement. But let's for a minute review some other 'Major Leagues' in our culture today, shall we?

1.MLB (Major League Baseball)
2.NFL (National Football League)
3.NBA (National Basketball Association)
4.NHL (National Hockey League)
5.Golf (not sure if it even has a Acronym attached to it) [probably does]

Now, what's different about these 'Major Leagues' compared to the activity that we call drum corps? What's that, a little louder?

Money

The people who participate in the 5 groups I listed above get paid millions to do what they do. They demonstrate some talent in the field they are in (i.e. I can make this little ball go in this little hole on ground, now where's my check?) All this happens for what reason, what purpose? Entertainment for the public?

While this is happening, there are youth from 14-21 who are wanting to participate in the activity called Drum Corps. They demonstrate a talent in the field (i.e. I can play my horn and move my feet at the same time) however, instead of, 'now where's my check?' the kids are asking 'who do I write the check to?' It now cost upwards of 2,000-3000 dollars to march a drum corps in today's world. And yes, corps do fundraisers to lower this cost, but lets face it, the time the kids have to put into fundraising, they could have been working and making the same. (but who wants to pay taxes, right?)

I think the real person to blame for this is the government. I include public education in the same field as the government because...well...it is. We pour our tax dollars and money into the entertainment factor that sports create, but when it comes to music, our government turns it eye and tries to push it under the rug. It's not fair, and something should be done about it. While we cannot snap our fingers and make millions appear to the DCI headquarters, we can do our part to help. And how is that?

Sponsor someone to march. Whatever amount you can, even down to $10 can add up to someone desperate to march before they 'age-out' (no I don't believe in the term graduation from drum corps) If you're well off money-wise, sponsor someone fully. You have no idea what you would mean to them. I know when I begin my career as a music educator, I will help someone march. So I ask you, what are you doing to help Drum Corps stay alive?

Stay Classy, interweb.