But for Now....

I don't know how long this will be. I don't know if everything I'm about to say should be said. But it's going to be because, it's eating me alive.

I.am.utterly.depressed.

There I said it. I have been every since August. And there was someone who was really there for me and was helping me to get rid of that feeling. But suddenly things are the not same with us anymore. Not saying it's her fault at all either. I don't know if she meant for it to happen or what. But I feel like we don't have the same friendship we had a week ago. She had been there for me since the get-go with the whole jeska thing, but she's seemed very distant lately. I don't know if it's on purpose, or if it's not that way and I'm just over-reacting. I'm just stating how I feel on the matter. It seems every attempt to hang out with her is put down...and...well I dunno it could just be bad timing this week, but it was just different feeling last week. And you know, maybe it's because she realizes how crazy I am over her, so she feels like she needs to do this to help me get over it. Or maybe she's doing to avoid her feelings on the matter. Well. I don't like not having my best friend. I miss her terribly even though I see her everyday, if that makes sense.

Anyway. That's just one part of what's wrong with me today. (and yesterday for that matter). The main part is this. As I sat last night....bored....this question crawled into my mind, and has been there since.

"When was the last time I was truly happy with life?"

And I sat, and thought. And thought, and thought. And I realized - I don't have an answer, because I honestly don't know. I thought of my relationship with Jeska. Was I ever really happy in it? The answer is no. Such a tangled web was weaved in our relationship that we were both NEVER truly happy. We only thought we were, but there was always something that brought us down. Whether it be the slue of people that were involved in tearing us apart, or just the actions we took on each other, there was never a point in that 4 year relationship that was happy. We were always worried or fighting about something. So no wonder we failed, we were doomed from the start.

So I thought back to before Jeska. Ica? No. Horrible experience that bled over into Jeska. Not good at all. Well. What about Jessica Mclamb? This might have been possible. The thing that bothers me is that I don't recall at what point things went wrong. But I do know that there was always an underlying shadow in that relationship as well. Her name was Kate Palmer. So what was before Kate and Jessica? Well there was Connie Waddell. But I consider that a young and ignorant relationship in which we were just beginning to figure out some things in life.

So this brings me back to my point of. Have I ever been happy? I'm going to have to go with no. This realization helps me feel a great wave of depression, but it's a true realization none the less. So is there anything I can even do about it? I think not. A long line of failures has made me feel kinda hopeless on the situation.

The only thing I have is this: One day, a girl is going to come along, and blow all these other ones out of the water, and I'll know what it's truly like to be happy" I keep telling myself that, at least. And I would really love to be the one who proves all those guys that this girl has been with were wrong and didn't appreciate what they had.....but I don't know if any of it is even possible in the first place...I'd like to try though. I'm not saying that to describe anyone in particular, so don't think that. But she does come to mind. Anyway..

Sometimes I wonder if my life has gone in the right direction, and if I've made the right decisions. I know the answer to that is no...but does that mean that I should have done anything any different. I think the answer to that is no as well. So...maybe all things happen for a reason. If so I'd really like to know how all this fits and why it's tearing me apart at the seems.

Because in the end. I just want to be happy.