A Crossroads.

So as to be continued from last night....

I realize that I'm at a crossroads in live, and I didn't even notice it was coming up. I repressed everything I ever had and blocked it out so that I wouldn't have to worry about it because I felt like I had a failed at it. By it I'm referring to Faith.

I have a strange set of views and values on faith. I can't explain it on here, because, well - I just can't. I've only been able to get it out once in my life, and that was earlier tonight - and I was stumbling through it, because it was one of the hardest things I've had to do. But no one has ever just sat and listened to me like tonight. They always pressed their views on me, because I needed to do as they do to be right. Maybe it's what I needed all along, someone to just sit there, and listen...and just tell me flat out what it is.

Now, I will be the first to admit...I have NO idea what I'm doing. I know what I want, I just have NO idea how to get there, or what I'm going to do to try. But I can say this. Tonight - right now - I'm apologizing for the things that I know I've done, and especially for some of the things I've said in the past. I'm taking all of my problems, my unhappiness, my fears...and I want to let them go. I want to let whoever is up there take over. I've never been strong in believing in something I have no idea about...but I want to try for the second time in my life. I don't know where this is going to go but I'd like to find out, and I'd like to try to stick to it.

It doesn't mean I'm sold on it. It doesn't mean that I wont give up again. But I don't think anyone is going to mind if I at least give it my best shot and try. Know that this is not a phase. I take faith very seriously, and something that I've always told myself if I wasn't serious, I wasn't even going to give the notion that I had it. I've never personally 'felt God' like many people have. And it's part of why I gave up years ago. However, on the way home tonight, by myself in a silent car...I couldn't help but shake - And I have no idea why.

And while I'm at it. Thank you Erin Potter, and you know why.