Sunset Never Seemed So Beautiful.

I remember when I use to put pictures in my blogs. It gives them some...spice.

So I need to take a moment and get something off my chest before I just...well before I explode I guess.

I absolutely LOVE LeeAnna Avila. There, said it. Done. Over with. But not really because...

I remember thinking back to over a year ago, when a certain someone else had found a new relationship right after ending ours. I remember how quickly that new relationship formed, and I specifically remember how I thought the entire thing was a complete and total lie, and that it was not possible to feel that way about someone you only knew for a few weeks. Well, I'm sorry I thought that... because oh do I believe it's possible, and oh it is happening to me.

It's not even been a month yet, not until the 20th, but already, I can't believe what I feel for her is real. I believe most of it has to do with what I -with lack for a better term- believe to be the first real 'pure' relationship I've been in. If you recollect back to all of my past relationships, they all begin with tragedy and bullshit. Lies, cheating, sisters, best friends... Let's face it, I was a bad person. I don't think it was all purpose - no I know it wasn't all on purpose, but some of these things just happened. What's important is that I believe (even if others don't) that I truly learned from that and now I know how to never to treat a girl ever again, and I'm sorry to all the girls I've ever hurt the way I did, because if this is how it is supposed to be I sincerely failed all of them. Anyway, all that isn't exactly relevant, but the point is...I have a genuine love for this girl, and I've never felt that same loved returned to me in the way that she does when she looks at me. We have complete and total trust for each other. This whole experience is like rediscovering love for the first time, or maybe I'm going to find out this is what it is supposed to be like, and I've never known it. Either way, I'm completely overwhelmed and intoxicated by it.

Gahhh, really?!

You know when you get excited about something and it just feels like you have to grab someone and tell them? I've had so many of those lately, but instead of actually shouting at people, I find it much easier to just say it here, and whoever reads it - well reads it.

Anyway, with that said... I really feel like the luckest person alive right now. I can't believe that i've actually found someone who makes me this happy. I know I know, it might just be the new of it all but I really don't recall in all of my past being like I am right now. it almost makes it hard to think how I was getting by the last year and a half, but somehow I did, and now I know it was completely worth the wait.

I could definitely get use to this. :)

You'll be the death of me, I swear it.

Sooo. Hmmm. So for the first time in over a year (a very negative, hateful year) i can finally say I'm not single. But it's more than that, it's not just about being able to say you have someone - it's about being happy, and this girl is pretty damn good at making me feel the happiest I have felt in a long time.

Now it doesn't mean I'm not scared as hell, because I definetly am. I hate the fact that I constantly fear that people are going to walk out on me. Of course I do have to admit that for some reason I really do naturally trust this girl, which is extremely rare. She's the first girl that I've really opened up to and let in.

I guess I'm just hoping that she's doing the same.

Confusion Is My Middle Name

You know, it's not often I expose myself and make myself vunerable these days, but this one girl has gotten me to do just that, and it's rather awkward in a way. Even Monday when she confessed her doubts to me, I still... Well I don't know; typically that would have been the point where I shut her out and put up my wall because that's just how I am.

But for some reason, I can't do it. There's something about her that makes me so comfortable, even when people try to tell me she's flakey. Does that mean that I'm easily setting myself up to get hurt, possibly, but something just keeps telling me I need to give this girl a chance, I just need to get her to give me one.

And you know, maybe she is, and I'm just being stupidly impatient, but after the conversation Monday it's left me a little confused as to what she wants, I mean I know what she acts like she wants, and I hope it is in fact more than just an act.

Gah i'm such a sap.

Keep Swimming?

I'm really glad that I got to see you yesterday too. You don't know how mad and upset you made me when you kept blowing me off like you were or at least that's how it felt. You know or at least you better know that I love you Chris. I can't make 4 years disappear like it never happened. You were my best friend and I was worried that you were gone completely because of all this. I still want you to be in my life. You don't know how happy it makes me that you can accept me and Erik and not get upset about it anymore. That makes me happier than ever, I don't even know how to explain it. I didn't like to see you hurting. Like you said, I'll always be here for you even if I'm half way across the world. I hope nothing but happiness for you. I hope you find a girl that will give you everything you want and need and make you as happy as Erik makes me. We both deserve that because we REALLY stuck it out for each other as long as I believe we could have. Don't let it be forever before I hear from you or see you again. Oh by the way!

*just keep swimming, just keep swimming..*


That was sent almost a year ago. I found it while going through and deleting old myspace messages. I see how most of what was said was true, but some things have changed - how could they have not? (However there was some Irony to the half way cross the world part, seeing as how..now..she is? haha)

Life is so strange, how it gives you twists and turns. But the important part is whether or not you can roll with it and keep going. So far I think I've done pretty good, but I still have a ways to go.

For your security...

Wow. Over 2 months. I'm sure you were so concerned as to my whereabouts.

So I've been busy. Perhaps so busy that I haven't really slowed down to give reality a good check. So I think reality did it for me. Was it fate? Was it destined, or simply a chance meeting? I could have gone home yesterday at 5pm. But I didn't. We could have gone to a cheap Chinese joint, but we didn't, instead we went to Hibatchi. Josh didn't have to be working, but that night - he was.

So when he told me she was in town, I didn't really know what to do. I got excited, I got scared, I got overwhelmed. Either way, I texted her, the next 'what if' that I followed through on. I didn't have to see her, but I wanted to. I wanted - no - I needed to know how things were, how it would be to be around her again after such a long time. As I would find out - it was similar to getting hit in the face with a large steel pipe.

You remember those moments as a kid when you heard something tragic like, oh, your favorite dog died? You wanted to get home, because you knew it wasn't true, that he would be running in the front yard when you got home. And when you pulled in the driveway, he wasn't there. You still knew he wasn't gone. Even after your father buried him in the back yard, you still felt he might coming running home the next day and everything would be alright? I think those fancy people in white coats call this denial. In this same token, I knew she was gone. I knew it was over and I was a mess for a while but I moved on. Told people my story, let them feel sorry for me and then pretended I was okay and it didn't bother me, like I was completely fine and completely over it.

Today showed me that I'm completely NOT over it. How can one feel some comfortable with someone else who they haven't seen in almost a year, who has a new life that doesn't concern you? How could I honestly feel as if nothing had ever changed, like we were straight back in the past and nothing had ever happened? It was a sickening feeling, one that I could not fight and one that I could not overcome. 1 hour was all it took to destroy what I had been working on for over 10 months. Is that really possible? I guess so. So I cut my losses and left after that first hour. I knew anything else was just going to degrade the situation even more.

Sigh. Today was such a weird day. It was probably the closest thing to an out of body experience that I'll ever go through. It sucks to see someone else completely moved on and happy; knowing that you no longer bear any importance in their life other than casual and mutual respect and a sort of deserving friendship that you only give out of courtesy. But how do you tell them that they still mean everything to you. That there hasn't been a day in which they weren't on your mind. That you still can't move on because everyone you meet you shut out and close the door on because they're just simply not like you. How you do tell them that?!

You don't. You bite your lip, give them a hug, tell them that it was good to seem them and you hope everything goes well. And then you let them walk out of your life again, and start over.

When reality seems unreal.

So it's been about a month.

Oh if you haven't noticed, I quit doing my debt analysis. Whatever, f-that. (Said the guy who bought a 32 inch HDtv this afternoon. Why worry about it. I do what I can, when I can, other than that, I'm going to enjoy myself.

Someone has recently decided they no longer need to keep in touch or have any contact whatever with me anymore. While I can't help but wonder if it is really what she wants -or if it's just her husband making her do it- I have no idea. Either way I think it's sad. It makes me sad actually. While I'm quiet okay with the current state of things, I just simply thought she was one of the few people on this planet that I would never loose touch with. But if she wants it that way, she's got it.

I realized something quiet sad the other day. I have trouble picturing simple things concerning her. Like even her face. It's blurry, hard to recognize. They say that the human mind recalls memories in such a way that it alters them. Could it be that perhaps I've thought about it so much that I've started to forget things? I guess so.

I don't know, it's just funny how life turns out I suppose.

Etadpu Trap Owt

....Don't stare at the title like that. It's 'update part 2'. It's important to note that the sentence itself is not backwards, just the words in the sentence. Or maybe it's not important to note, who knows.

So what's up? How's the outside world?

I ask because...well...since about April 30th, I've been out of my house a total of 3 times. They were to go to work. Other than that, it's just been me at my house. I've been pretty Okay with that though, it's not really a big deal. I'm happy by myself. I say that because all this time alone really got me to thinking about how I observe people. I see many people in relationships and I have to ask myself...do they really think they're happy? I can't ask them this of course, it would be rude. And of course they would respond that they were happy, when in fact, they probably aren't.

It doesn't mean they don't love the person they're with, it just means that they're not really happy. I think that's a part of life though. If you're going to be in love with someone, you're going to be sacrificing some of the other things that might make you happy. The difference between me and these people is that now I really enjoy having the things that make me happy, and the ability to be able to do and say anything I please without having to really make sure it's okay with someone else.

With these things in mind. I can't wait to graduate and get my own job and place. To be able to do what I want, when I want. The ability have what I want when I want it, and not have to agree on this and that in my place. Maybe that means I'm just truly happy single, or maybe...

I'm just a selfish asshole. lol.

On another note...If you're one of my friends that I keep. (for one, know that you are far a few between) But anyway...if you notice I just randomly fall off the face of the earth for a few days, or even a week or 2...don't be alarmed. I was thinking today. I don't know why I do this now, but I do. I see you trying to contact me, I just ignore it. It's nothing personal. It's nothing that you've done. -It's just something that I do sometimes. Sorry.

Chris Out.

Something that annoys me.

And I hope I don't offend anyone.

But you know I see lots of things on facebook and myspace. And it may seem like I'm being bitter because I'm single and these people aren't, but I assure you, it's not that. Because even when I wasn't single, this was something that I never did, because I find it just plain annoying and uncalled for. Things like this -

"OMG I MISS (insert boyfriend's name here, because lets face it - it's never really guys that do this) SO MUCH>>CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THEM IN A LITTLE BIT."

I'm sorry if you're reading this and you're one of these girls, I am. And you know maybe you've only said it once, and that's ok, I could understand that. But when 9 out of 10 of your updates are things like that, it's just ridiculous...especially when you'll update it again, 20 minutes later. I don't care (and I'm sure other people don't for that matter) to see every 15 minutes that you miss your boyfriend so terribly you just don't think you'll go on. God help me if I ever get a girlfriend who's like that, lol.

That's all, I'm done ranting. :)

Be Warned About the Side Effects.

I really don't know what that title means, don't read into it, it was just said in the movie Baby Mama I'm watching. But nevertheless, this might get long, I haven't updated in a while and I've had a lot on my mind. Mainly about other people. Because I've really been noticing what other people are doing. Maybe I shouldn't, but I can't help to observe other people and the decisions they make in life. I mean no intention to say that those decisions are wrong, but...well, I don't know. I can't say these things personally to people, so I'll just vent here.

And it starts with this. Why the fuck does everyone feel the need to get married and knocked up all of a sudden?

I just can't help but feel that these people aren't thinking it all the way through. What drives you to say you can spend the rest of your life with someone you don't even really know? Sure, it might work. I think for some people it will. (Actually I'm pretty sure it will for one couple, you know who you are.)

Anyway, I see these people in these new relationships. All 'happy'. Spending ALL their time with someone else. The moment really clicked this week when I would hang with some certain people...but one always had to leave early, because they had to go spend time with their sig. other. The Ironic part was that this person didn't even really want to go spend the time with them, because they would have rather been with us, but didn't want to make their sig. other angry.

*Click* Why would you do that? Why sacrifice what you would like to do yourself to make someone else happy. I absolutely love that feeling. The feeling that I can do whatever the hell I want to, and not have to worry about what someone is going to think, or if they're going to get mad. I can do whatever I want, when I want! Given the fact that yes, I've been in the shoes that I'm ranting about, and yes, I was pretty sure I was happy at the time. But it's just different now.

I'm happy for those who can really make it work. But I'm just starting to think it's not for me, and I'm really glad for that. Bottom line is, I think people are doing the things they are doing (dating and marriage) because they feel like it's 'the thing' to do. I just think we should all take a step back and make sure we're happy with ourselves before we bring someone else into the picture.

Etadpu

That's Update backwards, idiots.

So. It's been a month. I know, that's a while, but my computer went down while in Tennessee, and...it went down hard, so it took til now to fix it. Not that it really matters, not much has been happening that's worth telling to everyone.

I did get a PS3...and let me say if you're wondering if you should get one...DON'T. They are the most addicting thing known to man. So there, you were warned. Oh. and I turned 22. I don't like this age. It makes me feel old for some reason. 21 is supposed to be the 'cool' age. After that it just starts going downhill.

I need to sit down shortly and actually type out some stuff on how I feel and how I've truly been lately, because...well...it's changed, that's for sure. So soon, we'll catch up.

The Cosmos.

So I'm no astrologist. I don't fully understand the concepts of the universe - none of us do for that matter. But. I was recently reading about ALICE. If you're unaware as to what ALICE is...it is a "Large Hardon Collider"

-What that means in simple english is - This 'collider' is meant to take a deeper look into quark-gluon plasma. This is the type of plasma scientists believe created the early universe. So what ALICE intends to do is collide 2 certain types of nucli together to see if they can re-create the universe.

Am I the only person who sees this as very disturbing?

I can't be. But I mean really. Do we need to be trying to re-create the universe? What if it opens some black hole? - I guess that wont happen seeing as how black holes are from dead stars. (You did know that right?) Or what if it just simple destroys the world? Like I said, I'm no scientist, but the whole thing just seems odd.

Here's hoping to the future.

Important Things

So Spring break is here. That means we're halfway done. This is both a relief and a worry. The relief part is obvious, but the worry part - well I just don't feel like I've done half of the work I need to do, which means it's probably about to pile up very fast.

The upshot of the whole thing is that after Friday, Pep Band will be done. That little thing took up a very LARGE amount of my time. And it will be nice once I get that time back. Time to do work, time to practice, time to work. Maybe even time to hang out with a friend or two? Haha, yeah right.

I can't wait for the summer. I'm going to need to work my ass of, because - well - what else am I going to do this summer? Well, I am going to take some summer classes so I guess that is something I know I'm doing. (btw, I'm taking Astronomy. How awesome is that? I love stars and shit!) Haha. I do have a few goals this summer, though.

1. Get a car.
2. Get a PS3
3. Get a HDTV.

Those are, of course, in order of relevance and actual need instead of want. Otherwise, I'd have the ps3 TODAY. Oh well. Things will indeed work out I think.

My Ye Ole Debt.

Walmart - $817........$760.......$740
Chase - $267.............$261.......$0 <-
Capital1 - $814.........$739.......$725
Platinum- $340........$ 0..........$0
Wamu - $990............$940......$920
Target -$178. ...........$150......$0 <-
Pacsun - $444...........$477.......$421
___________________________
Total - $3850.........$3327......$2806

Only a $126 difference this month. But it's been a little rough, considering I'm running out of money from campbell since they fired instituational workers. Oh well, I'm still working on this. I'll use some of my birthday money next month, and this will finally be under the 3000 mark. yesss.

EDIT **UPDATE**

Yes I got my refund from Campbell. So I paid off two of them bitches! So actually I made a $521 payoff this month. Very Nice.

It's been.

One week since you....haha jk. I wont go into that, even if it IS a good song. Yeah, I said it. It's a good song.

Anyway. It's been over a week, crazy I know, and I apologize. Not much has been going on though. Actually that's a flat out lie. There's a lot of stuff going on...a lot of which I consider bullshit? Ha. Some classes at school are just retarded...people don't care enough or see the big picture of what they're part of. But that's not really MY problem.

Valentines day 2009. <--Interesting day. First one 'single' since I was like...uh...13? But it's not THAT big of a deal anyway, it's just a day. It was finding out that JLB was pregnant that was the weird part. (yes...JLB....JLG is just too awkward, I refuse!) But that was rough. It ended in me sobbing on the phone drunk to her friday night. But it's all good now. Life just works out strange sometimes, and I'm trying to roll with the punches and get through it.

I need a car. I had a string of luck come my way...which means now if I can just find a reliable car for around $1500 I'll be in business...if not...I dunno. But I have deemed that as my first goal. My second goal is to pay off some more credit cards! And my third...a PS3 and a HDTV...the 3rd is a want not a need, I know. But I think I can manage to get that ONE thing I'd want for fun. Even if I have to take Courtney up on her offer *wink*

The last thing for tonight is that I just want to say...girls...you are some silly bitches. Don't get offended...but you really are, you're just plain silly. That's all for now. Peace and chicken grease.

It's Offical

I'm a retard.

There I said it, lol. I don't understand why I can't do what I tell myself I'm going to do. My case in point is...when the new year started I told myself...'you know what, you're fine, you'll be ok, and you're not going to even try to like anyone or get involved with anyone for a long time.

But what have I done? I'm completely into this girl. Idiot!!! Not that there's anything wrong with being into this particular girl, it's just something I was trying to avoid. Oh well, I guess you can't control your feelings after all? I don't know where it's going to go, if anywhere. I kind of hope it does though. I haven't met someone who's that funny, that cute, that attractive, and just all around awesome in a while, so I guess I'm actually pretty excited.

So here we go again. I'm going to play this one cool, I promise.

A Note Of Sorts

If you're one of the 3 or 4 people that I even think read this, you might notice it's been a few days since I've mentioned anything of how I've been feeling - And I have to say I've been feeling pretty good the last few days.

Other than Campbell completely trying to screw over the music department, I haven't had too many worries. I've met 2 new people lately who are both pretty cool, and they make me fell better. I guess when you get depressed you tend to shut everyone out, and then convince yourself that's what you need to do in order to get by, but it's just not true. I miss hanging out with people, particularly new people, because it's always fun to get to know new people...

So that's how that goes. I'm still without the freedom of car - This is important to note because I do, in fact, have a car; I'm just not able to drive it anyway really but school and work. So I'm trying to work on that situation, but I guess there's not much you can do with a few hundred dollars huh?

Inhale, Exhale

Things have been going...okay - I suppose.

Just been really busy with school. More busy than I thought I could be. But it's all good I suppose. I've gotten really close to Dr. Wilson lately with a few things, it's both funny and creepy at the same time.

Other than that, I'm just looking forward to summer. I'm curious to see what I can make out of it, and what I can get done before I head into my final year of college. Well I say final year. It seems I've been thinking about continuing my education lately. Perhaps a Masters in Music Education. I don't think I'm ready (or prepared for that matter) to advance to a doctorate, but the thought of a Masters does seem possible for me.

It's also probably the most logical thing I could do financially as well, because the job market just sucks right now. Plus the thought of a 12% raise is always appealing. I'm glad I have a little bit of time to think about this, I do have a year before I really have to start worrying about it, so I guess we will see.

Debt Update...because I know you care!

Walmart - $817.................$760
Chase - $267......................$261
Capital1 - $814..................$739
Platinum- $340................$ 0
Wamu - $990....................$940
Target -$178......................$150
Pacsun - $444....................$477
_________________________
Total - $3850....................$3327

Difference of $523 paid in one month. That's not bad, granted...some of it was christmas money, but oh well...at least I got a little dent going in it...we'll see what I can manage to do next month...probably not much of anything.

I think there's been a misunderstanding.

Haha. A few of you will get the title.

Today is the first day under the new administration in the white house. Great. I'm not really excited by all this like other people are. I mean, I'm optimistic, but it's just another thing. Besides, anyone who really understands politics knows that it's Congress, not really the president who gets things done. Now having Congress being dominantly Democratic, I'm sure some change will take place, but I'm tired of the mentality that it's going to automatically change. It's going to take years, folks - that's all I'm saying.

Other than that, I'm sitting here looking at the snow, something people in this area rarely get to do. I'm supposed to go to Campbell, but I don't really feel like getting out in this, icy roads or not.

So, someone leaves on Wednesday, and I don't want them to. I'm pretty sure I'm not even going to be able to see them before they leave, which is even worse. But if my parents are going to be the way they are, it seems I don't have much of a choice. I have to say though, I'm thankful for Dr. Wilson. This man has loaded so much on me this semester that I don't even have time to be depressed. Ha. I'm sure that's not why he did it, but it's working out well for me. My list includes the following...

22 credit hours of class...conducting the pep band at all the basketball games....conducting a piece in the Wind ensemble concert...conducting a piece in Percussion ensemble...conducting the first half of the Jazz Ensemble concert...as well as practicing and working. I like the challenge though, I think it's going to be fun and make me get off my ass. It also means I don't have much time for much else, so that's how that's going to go.

When The Storm Calms

Yeah, so last night may have been slightly over-dramatic. Oh well. I guess parts of it are true though. I just needed to complain and get it out of my system. I'll be alright in the end, I guess it's just a shitty road to get to that point.

At least I have my music and...well...my music.

I sit to sit down and do a more serious post sometime in the near future.

Confession

I have a confession to make. Although I guess it's not one that no one really didn't already know, but I just...I don't know, perhaps I just need to get it out.

I am NOT over you. As much as I tell people I am, as much as tell MYSELF that I am...and as much as I try to hide it with other things...it's undeniably still there. Nagging at the back of my head. I'm still in love with you. And it really makes me sad, mad, it makes me a lot of things. I've been in love before but never like this and then on top of that lost it. I've never been able to just think about someone and automatically start crying.

I DON'T want these feelings. I've tried for almost 5 months now to say I didn't have them. I've liked other people, yet still it comes back to you. I can't shake you. Your new life is happy and you don't have to worry about me anymore, why can't I have the same? Perhaps I don't deserve the same because of what I did years ago, who knows.

I just want my heart back.

Family Reunion

I came to a stark realization today.

I hate my family.

Not my parents, my parents are fine. By family I mean my aunt Deborah and my uncle Butch. (yes, his name is Butch.) Anyway. These two people are the most egotistical, money greedy people I have ever run across in my life, and and luck would have it, they're in my family. I'll prove my point.

My father and my aunt were adopted. They are brother and sister. In common practice, the son tends to get more of the inheritance because that's just old tradition. Now, I believe it should be at least be an even split, but my father did do quiet a great deal back when he was younger (he ran a farm with his dad, and that's not easy stuff to do) But not much can be said for my aunt, for she did next to nothing growing up. Anyway. My aunt has opening made this statement to my father...

"I wish you weren't adopted so that my husband could get everything you're going to get."

What. The. Fuck? How can people be so blindly guided by greed? It's very sad to me. But oh well, people are going to do whatever they want, regardless of what others think of them.

I am heaven sent.

So I called the insurance company today. I owe 3310.44 to them. I have to do the following:

Pay 310.44 by January 30th....then pay 100 a month for the next 30 months after that.

Fuck me in the ear, this is horrible. Given that this does not incur debt like a credit card does, it still sucks because I would much rather be putting that 100 a month towards something that IS collecting interest. I guess there's not much I can do about it. Well I could pay $2500 by the end of the month, and everything be taken care of. But I don't have 2500, and I don't think my family can help me this time. Fuck. Ironically, I started semi-working at Premieres again, like once a week. This will cover the 100 a month, but like I said, I just wish I could be applying it to other, more worthwhile things.

So hopefully this semester is going to go okay. It seems like it is so far, but only time will tell once I get into the rhythm of things. I am done being nice though. I just don't have the time or effort to put into it. Get used to it.

A New Low

So I think I have a problem. I don't think I care anymore. About anything. I don't want to go back to class, I don't feel like dealing with the bullshit anymore. I just don't care. I guess I'll probably wind up dealing with it anyway, but I'm very unhappy about things right now. It's for various reasons, maybe it's just because I feel like it's all piling up on me.

I need to be paying off my debt. I'm doing a better job at that. I need to call that Insurance company because I owe them $2500. But I just don't care. I keep putting it off because I don't feel like dealing with it. Same with finding a car. I just don't have the energy or drive to do anything about it. And don't even ask me about how I feel about relationships right now. I really don't care about them anymore. And if it was up to me, I'll treat every new girl I know like trash because that way I wont have to deal with it anymore.

I miss my best friend. She's coming back Thursday, but...I don't know. She's moving across the country soon, and I don't know what I'm going to do once I know I'll probably never see her again.

Sigh. Life is so over-rated.

What the fuck is going on here?

There comes a certain point in people's lives...where they just stop and kind of realize...

'what the fuck is going on here?'

I hit that point today. Let me start with this little disclaimer, just in case a certain person reads this... ***disclaimer to her who remains un-named, yet knows who she is*** I in no way, shape, or form, hold anything against you, nor am I bitter, and I completely believe what you told me, so - there. That's that.

Back to my point. What the fuck is going on here? Why do things not seem to work out for me? I realize in the scheme of things I'm quiet possibly over-reacting...but...I mean I just came out of a 4 year relationship in August. I'm hurt. I'm over it I guess, but I'm still hurt from it, and I want to move on from it. I want to have something of my own to prove that things are different than how they seem.

When the first try with someone didn't work, I didn't take it well at all. I could have been a slightly bigger asshole about some things than I needed to be, but oh well, what's done is done. So anyway, I try to get involved again. Much to my dismay, pretty much the exact same thing happened, AGAIN.

Perhaps it was karma. Or perhaps it was never a big deal to start with. Or...maybe I'm cursed, who knows. I can't be that bad of a person. I know I'm not great, some people insist on telling me that I am, but I know I'm not. I still think I could make someone happy though. I just don't get why I don't get the chance anymore. It's no one's fault really, I don't want people to think I'm going around blaming these people for what is happening in my life - I'm not. But it does indeed suck to have it happen.

I guess I need to quit being so nice and be more like Tucker Max. He seems to have a good time. [If you don't know who he is, you should - google him]

I hope they serve...

Beer in hell... haha. VERY good book, I suggest you pick it up. Anyway...

Hm. It's now officially 2009. I must admit that I'm very happy for this...I'm really hoping this year goes better. See...people often say things they don't mean, but I mean it when I say 2008 was the worst year of my life thus far. I realize I've only had 21 years here, but 2008 tops it. For many reasons. And if you're not one of about 4 or 5 people, you would not understand.

I spent the New Year celebration at the Araujo's house. Tons of fun, except for this one fight we got into today...but oh well it's fine now. Anyway...I had fun playing Rock Band 2 and Little Big Planet...[thanks to Sheila some random Canadian thinks I'm gay] But I really wish I could have have spent it with....well....someone else, but her parents didn't think so.

I think that 2009 is going to have some better things in store for me, I can only hope so. I think things might begin to look up soon, and that makes me excited. I did not really claim a 'new years resolution'...however I do have a goal of making it a good year, so I guess that counts.