Uneventul Thanksgiving.

Hm. I'm basically only writing because I haven't in a few days. My break has been crappy as expected, with the lack of a car and all to do anything - which means I just sit here. All day. There's only so much you can do to occupy 14 hours a day in your room. Now I'm not really trying to complain, I'm just stating it how it is. Thanksgiving wasn't really a big deal in our family this year. I guess it's not as big of a deal as I'm making it, but it was just strange...

Other than that...let's see...she started talking to me again...I'm sure she's still pissed in the back of her mind, but at least she's trying to talk to me again, that made me immensely happy. There's ton more that I could say, of course, but - I'm pretty sure that I should just bite my tongue for now and just let it roll and see what happens.

So, is it sad that I look forward to exam week? I mean no I don't want to take exams, but it means I get to get out of this house, for a few days at least. I've been downloading music yesterday and today in an attempt to entertain myself...and I suppose I'll get back to that.

Bound to happen....

Well, you talked to me today, that's a step better than yesterday I suppose. Looking back on things over the last month, some things have become obviously clear, and I guess I was stupid for thinking they might have been anything in the first place. I wont go into detail here. But I did have a realization about things today. I guess that's good for me...

So today I did something I told myself I wasn't going to do. I went and saw Jeska. And honestly I think it was in my best interest that I did. I think about how bad I hurt over that whole incident, and how I was on the verge of going to a doctor about it. Honestly I can say that talking to you, and everything else that happened between us really helped me to get over the whole situation. Seeing Jeska, talking about Erik. Looking at his dog tags on her neck, and looking at her rings, it didn't hurt anymore. And I felt really proud of myself for it. I'm also proud to say that I stuck to my promise I made you, even if it has been hard these last few days.

Now if I could just fix this one other part of my life that isn't right...I'm hoping that if I just leave you alone for a few days maybe things will get better. I hope so, I don't really know what else to do. I hate knowing you're upset with me. Not to sound like I'm in middle school, but even little things like dropping me off your top friends, it just stings a little because it proves just how upset you are...

On another note. I hate being at home and not in class. Not cool. I sit here in my room, and do nothing. This week is especially bad because, well, I don't have a car to come and go as I please. (I'm not asking anyone for any handouts, I'm just stating the truth) At least it's only 5 days. However, December is going to be awful. But that's life! *fake smile accompanied by thumbs up*

Goals

Sometimes I wonder if posting everyday is a bit too much. Hm.

So today was...hm. It wasn't quiet as bad as I made it out to be. Mainly because in hindsight of saying something (which i shouldn't have said) I realized that - I was an idiot who over-reacted to something completely minuscule. That would seem like me though. I know there's nothing to it, so why should I even get worked up over it in the first place. I realize that if I let my fears take hold of my feelings, I'm no good. So:

goal 1 is to...not do that. lol.
goal 2 is to...let it roll, and have faith in it..

butterflies can make you do crazy things I guess. But I'm not going to let my fears control me, or hold me back for that matter. It's just flat out dumb.

A Crossroads.

So as to be continued from last night....

I realize that I'm at a crossroads in live, and I didn't even notice it was coming up. I repressed everything I ever had and blocked it out so that I wouldn't have to worry about it because I felt like I had a failed at it. By it I'm referring to Faith.

I have a strange set of views and values on faith. I can't explain it on here, because, well - I just can't. I've only been able to get it out once in my life, and that was earlier tonight - and I was stumbling through it, because it was one of the hardest things I've had to do. But no one has ever just sat and listened to me like tonight. They always pressed their views on me, because I needed to do as they do to be right. Maybe it's what I needed all along, someone to just sit there, and listen...and just tell me flat out what it is.

Now, I will be the first to admit...I have NO idea what I'm doing. I know what I want, I just have NO idea how to get there, or what I'm going to do to try. But I can say this. Tonight - right now - I'm apologizing for the things that I know I've done, and especially for some of the things I've said in the past. I'm taking all of my problems, my unhappiness, my fears...and I want to let them go. I want to let whoever is up there take over. I've never been strong in believing in something I have no idea about...but I want to try for the second time in my life. I don't know where this is going to go but I'd like to find out, and I'd like to try to stick to it.

It doesn't mean I'm sold on it. It doesn't mean that I wont give up again. But I don't think anyone is going to mind if I at least give it my best shot and try. Know that this is not a phase. I take faith very seriously, and something that I've always told myself if I wasn't serious, I wasn't even going to give the notion that I had it. I've never personally 'felt God' like many people have. And it's part of why I gave up years ago. However, on the way home tonight, by myself in a silent car...I couldn't help but shake - And I have no idea why.

And while I'm at it. Thank you Erin Potter, and you know why.

But for Now....

I don't know how long this will be. I don't know if everything I'm about to say should be said. But it's going to be because, it's eating me alive.

I.am.utterly.depressed.

There I said it. I have been every since August. And there was someone who was really there for me and was helping me to get rid of that feeling. But suddenly things are the not same with us anymore. Not saying it's her fault at all either. I don't know if she meant for it to happen or what. But I feel like we don't have the same friendship we had a week ago. She had been there for me since the get-go with the whole jeska thing, but she's seemed very distant lately. I don't know if it's on purpose, or if it's not that way and I'm just over-reacting. I'm just stating how I feel on the matter. It seems every attempt to hang out with her is put down...and...well I dunno it could just be bad timing this week, but it was just different feeling last week. And you know, maybe it's because she realizes how crazy I am over her, so she feels like she needs to do this to help me get over it. Or maybe she's doing to avoid her feelings on the matter. Well. I don't like not having my best friend. I miss her terribly even though I see her everyday, if that makes sense.

Anyway. That's just one part of what's wrong with me today. (and yesterday for that matter). The main part is this. As I sat last night....bored....this question crawled into my mind, and has been there since.

"When was the last time I was truly happy with life?"

And I sat, and thought. And thought, and thought. And I realized - I don't have an answer, because I honestly don't know. I thought of my relationship with Jeska. Was I ever really happy in it? The answer is no. Such a tangled web was weaved in our relationship that we were both NEVER truly happy. We only thought we were, but there was always something that brought us down. Whether it be the slue of people that were involved in tearing us apart, or just the actions we took on each other, there was never a point in that 4 year relationship that was happy. We were always worried or fighting about something. So no wonder we failed, we were doomed from the start.

So I thought back to before Jeska. Ica? No. Horrible experience that bled over into Jeska. Not good at all. Well. What about Jessica Mclamb? This might have been possible. The thing that bothers me is that I don't recall at what point things went wrong. But I do know that there was always an underlying shadow in that relationship as well. Her name was Kate Palmer. So what was before Kate and Jessica? Well there was Connie Waddell. But I consider that a young and ignorant relationship in which we were just beginning to figure out some things in life.

So this brings me back to my point of. Have I ever been happy? I'm going to have to go with no. This realization helps me feel a great wave of depression, but it's a true realization none the less. So is there anything I can even do about it? I think not. A long line of failures has made me feel kinda hopeless on the situation.

The only thing I have is this: One day, a girl is going to come along, and blow all these other ones out of the water, and I'll know what it's truly like to be happy" I keep telling myself that, at least. And I would really love to be the one who proves all those guys that this girl has been with were wrong and didn't appreciate what they had.....but I don't know if any of it is even possible in the first place...I'd like to try though. I'm not saying that to describe anyone in particular, so don't think that. But she does come to mind. Anyway..

Sometimes I wonder if my life has gone in the right direction, and if I've made the right decisions. I know the answer to that is no...but does that mean that I should have done anything any different. I think the answer to that is no as well. So...maybe all things happen for a reason. If so I'd really like to know how all this fits and why it's tearing me apart at the seems.

Because in the end. I just want to be happy.

Buying the Cow.

This is from a movie I was just watching...

There is no such thing as the one.
It's more of a mind boggling whole hell of a lot of potential ones
And while all that should be comforting, it's actually pretty terrifying.

We'd all like to kick back and and wait for some magical force to show us who we should spend the rest of our life with...but the truth is, there isn't a lightning bolt that slaps you on the ass and tells you to pick this person over all the others.

if anything, it's like the rain
rain falls all the time...sometimes you're prepared for it, sometimes you're not.
and depending where you are when it hits, you either get caught in it or you don't
and in fact most of us usually try like hell to avoid it.

you might miss the bus, you might catch the bus
maybe you remembered your umbrella, maybe you didn't
there are no big signs, just random torrential bursts of opportunity.

and that's the most fate can do, the rest, is up to us.

...I think it's pretty good, and ironic that it was said the minute i walked in the door...what are the odds right?

I just want the chance to have a place in your heart before you walk away because you feel unsure of it. *sigh*

Percussive Thursdays.

Today has been a sad day.

I'm not sure why. I mean I know I have lots of things in my life to make me sad, but I don't really have any of them on my mind, so what does that mean?

Jeska kinda made me upset last night. Not in a 'I miss you way', just in a 'I don't like thinking about how you hurt me anymore'. And it's true...I am over it for the most part, but it doesn't mean I can just think about the wrongdoings and be okay with it.

Then there's the other obvious. I'm glad that I can pretty much act normal around...her. I mean, yes its hard to hold back my feelings, but I really didn't want it to be awkward between us. So yea, even when she makes me sad, she makes me happy at the same time, how strange? haha. By that, I mean I absolutely LOVE how she makes me feel when I around her. Ha, what a loser I am.

uuuggghhh...

Oh wow. Today is going to suck. A lot. It's already started out with a bad dream that's going to bug me all day, so lets see just how downhill this is going to go.

**Update**

Today wasn't SO bad. Other than about a hour and a half of complete awkwardness. Some things were said to me that made me feel a little better. But there's still so much i want desperately to be said.

I'm not sure what to do with the whole situation, but I do know what I want at least. I just don't know how to go about it.

I'm in over my head.

So if I go ahead and say to myself..."No one reads this thing anyway" then I can comfortably say what I want to say, right? hmm..ok...

So I felt completely 16 years old last night, and I loved every minute of it. I haven't been literally weak in the knees in years. Even at 4am, I couldn't go to sleep for 45 minutes because it was all I could think about...now I just don't know if the feelings were mutual.

I know things are weird, that there are no guarantees when it comes to anything. I don't expect one little thing to secure my place and everything just fall into place. Maybe she's just not capable of having those feelings for me at this moment...I know that I myself am no good at new feelings either, so I could completely understand...I just don't want her to hold back because she's afraid she'll hurt me. Trust me, the risk of getting hurt by her far outweighs me never knowing what could be. Yeah, she's that cool.

Maybe I come off as trying to move in too fast. I really don't mean to...perhaps I should back off slightly. Or perhaps I should give her time to figure this whole thing out? Although I must admit that while I'm still scared myself...there's kind of no turning back for me now...it's amazing what you can...and will...find when you're not looking for it...

Either way, I'm sure we share some of these feelings, I just don't know to what degree...I hope that she in no way thinks that she is any sort of 'rebound' No...everything is for real...and I mean everything I say. I can see her fears, her worries and frustrations about all of this...and I don't know what to do. Sometimes I worry I'm not doing enough...and other times that I'm doing too much and either way the outcome seems bad...

In the end, perhaps I'm just extremely over analyzing the situation. Maybe I should just step back and breathe...I just don't know what to do with these cliche 'butterflies' ...I haven't had them in years. And also...in the end...maybe the right person will read this...