Call me a safe bet, I'm betting I'm not.

Hmm. Today has been a weird day. I slept most of it...like...i've only been up 6 hours today...and it's 7:00pm...Oh well. I remember last time I started doing this it was because I was depressed. But I don't think it's that this time, or if it is - I sure as hell am not aware of it. I've felt pretty happy lately...for various reasons...but anyway, I'm sure I'll be fine. I think it's just from sitting in the house all the time. It gets old, fast. If I had a vehicle it wouldn't really matter, but - I don't. So that's one part of school I'm looking forward to. I guess I should, it is coming up in exactly a week.

I had a hot date last night. Ha, I just like saying that. But I did get to go out with that special someone, so that was exciting. I know she's taking it slow, but she so has me hooked already. I wonder how much of a weakness it is to fall hard for someone quickly...blah. I'm happy with things the way they are though, don't get me wrong.

You don't recover from a night like this..

Blah. I'm bored at home, I'll be glad when I can leave whenever I want again, or at least get out of the house more often. I'm looking forward to going back to school, but not at the same time. I know this semester is going to be a little tougher than the last 3 and half years I've done so far. But it'll be worth it in the end I suppose. Sigh...I watched football all day. What a way to spend a Sunday...alone watching football. This is my last week off. Lets see if it's an enjoyable one...my guess is probably not...but we'll see.

I get to pay for my camera tomorrow, so it should be here by the end of the week, exciting. Plus my new book I ordered should be in by about Tuesday. That'll give me something to do.

It's the little things

I'm at She's house again...watching them play Little Big Planet. Let me just say that if you're looking a different style of game than your used to, pick it up, it's pretty bad ass. So speaking of being here, it's always fun...

but I haven't spoken to a certain someone today...and I feel weird about it because it makes me pretty sad. Which means...I think I like her more than tend to let on...hm, seeing as how I think about her constantly...little things get to me it seems. Like the way she called me last night when I was out and about with She and the family. I miss things like that, things that prove other people are thinking about you.

But don't get to thinking that I'm being obsessive or whatever, I just things could definitely work out...that's all. Speaking of...I wish her parents were more...cool about her doing things. I just want to hang out with her but it's damn near impossible sometimes...or she has to come up with something to get out of the house...it makes me sad sometimes...I just want some time with her, that's all.

I put the Debt In Christmas. What?

So it's Christmas Day. Been ok I guess, got some more clothes and some more money. I hope everyone else is having a good Christmas as well. However, I spent of the day...questioning my credit card debt. It actually started when I talked with a certain someone about her credit card debt. It made me kind of want to take charge of mine, because I've pretty much just been putting it off.

So what I'm going to do is treat this like an acholoics annoynomous thing. I'm going to post on here every 25th of the month. Starting today. It's going to show the stupid amounts of money I owe. I'm not proud of this, I'm quiet frankly embarrassed. So if I show it to the world I'm going to have a much higher incentive to actually take control of it. So I'll list it, and then next month show it side by side, and see how much progress I've made. Here we go...

Walmart - $817
Chase - $267
Capital1 - $814
Platinum- $340
Wamu - $990
Target -$178
Pacsun - $444
____________
Total - $3850

Baby it's cold outside

Not really, it's actually hot as hell to be 'christmas' But anyway...

Here it is, Christmas eve at 10:00pm. Santa will come soon. I just got back from my family gathering we always have at my grandmas house. It was fun, but in truth I just wanted to hurry up and get home because...I want to be there for someone who's having a rough time with some things right now, that are completely unfair to her. She makes me smile a lot, and I don't like to see her upset, so I really want to help - even if all I do is sit and let her yell at me (not AT me, but you know.)

Tomorrow should be interesting. I really want a camera, but I doubt I will get one. I was running around trying to be a photographer tonight with my aunt's Cannon Rebel. It was fun. I put some of the pictures on myspace for people to make fun of them. I guess really I could take the christmas money I'll get and buy a camera...but I really need to pay bills with that money - sad I know.

I hope all of you (by all of you I mean the 2.46 people who actually read this) have a Merry Christmas tomorrow. That's right...fuck 'happy holidays' I said Merry Christmas.

Let Me See Your Hips Swing

My mom's health is bothering me. It makes me sad. I know she's unhealthy, but she just doesn't seem to care, or be willing to put forth any effort to make any changes that would help her. I think she doesn't really care to live any more, which is very sad that someone would feel that way. She's supposed to have surgery, but her heart isn't in the condition to even have those surgeries yet. Blah. I hope it all works out. Anyway...

YES. My dad went and bought himself a new Ford explorer, which means I get to take his old one. Which means I have something to drive now. Sort of. I don't think I'm going to be able to just come and go like I used to, but I should be able to least get out a little more. Maybe spend some more time with someone...*wink* ...Speaking of...I gave that someone a surprise visit at work tonight. I hope it at least made her smile. The 30 minute drive was so worth it just to be able to see her and talk with her in person for a few minutes, while she fought with dead fish. I'm geeky, I know, but yeah...

I've got promises to keep

Here's my daily update. But I don't really know what to say, lol. Nothing too eventful other than hanging out with my ever awesome La'trio.

There is this. I went to a music production at my church because my grandma asked me to, and I felt too bad to say no. So I went. And kids from Overhills high school were there. I taught a lot of those kids when they were freshman in high school, and to see them now as seniors, still in music, better players, growing up. (I realize they're not much younger than me, but still, I see these things.) Ah. That's why I want to teach. I don't know why, but it gives such a sense of satifaction to me.

Other things... are good. Or at least I feel good about them. I feel like nothing is being rushed, and that when/if it happens it will be because it is supposed to, not just...'oh because he's there' and that makes me feel good. Hmm. =)

I'm sleepy, but thinking.

Baahahaha.

I said something. I wasn't planning on it. But she's too smart and tricky. Well, I guess I DID start it by telling her best friend, who automatically ran her mouth. And the, saying I was looking forward to 'new things' in a survey didn't help. Actually, that started it, and then I couldn't pass it off like it was nothing when she asked me about it, in her tricky scheme to just get me to admit it!

I'm glad I did admit it though, I hate keeping how I feel in, I just don't handle it well. So there I got it out. And when she's ready, I'll be ready. I'm still nervous as hell though, but I'm sure it'll pass.

Man, I'm crazy. I don't know what I'm getting myself into, but I'm looking forward to it, a lot.

Sing for the moment.

I think the human heart is a weird thing. And by human heart, I mean the emotional one. I know the physical one is crazy enough, but the emotional one we all have is so deep...so complicated...it amazes me. The fact that we are capable of having 'feelings' for other people...and the funny part is that it's usually feelings for someone who does not care for you at all. Why is that?

I guess a better question is...why is it we sometimes think we might have feelings for someone...but don't say anything? Especially when it's someone who really seems to have a good heart, who is looking for quite possibly the exact same thing as you are. Hm.

Which leads me back to something I've said for a while...I'm totally stupid. lol. I don't like having to make decisions. Especially these...To go with it? Or just ignore it and pretend it's nothing? Last time it didn't turn out too well.

Thanks for all the fish.

I know, I haven't updated this in forever, I'm sorry. Haha, oh wait, I'm assuming people care aren't I?

Anyway, break has been slow. Sitting around not doing much. Funny how someone still hasn't even made one effort to talk to me. But whatever, if that is how she wants to be, she can be that way. <-Notice how I try to look tough, even though it really bothers me. lol.

Oh, I made this new friend last week. Haha, she's this girly who's name is Courtney, and she's pretty much awesome. She gave my lame ass a ride to the theater to see The Day the Earth Stood Still. Which...was good. Sort of. I like Sci-fi alien things, and I like the emotionless-ness of Keanu Reeves, haha. But overall a pretty good remake of the older black and white version.

Anyway. I've been doing some yardwork, making a little bit of money from it, woot. Christmas is coming up, and I don't really care? Or I should say I'm just not that excited for it? I don't know. I guess it's a combination of people not really acting festive this year, and all the bullshit that keeps happening to people who are good and don't deserve it, that could be why.

High School Highs

So something happened today. Or really, something was said to me. I'm not going to say who, or what about, but I will be the first to say that it is complete and total BULLSHIT. I am NOT in high school and I should not have to deal with stupid BULLSHIT high school mentality that for some reason people don't like to let go of. Well maybe it's because we haven't been out of high school that long, so I guess it should be expected. I don't mean to sound harsh or mean, but I'm just upset so yeah...

I realized today why I never have had many friends throughout my life. Honestly I can count my close friends on my fingers. But the reason I've never had many is because in the end, they've ALWAYS put me on the back end of things and have ALWAYS been able to push me aside for whatever reason they deemed more important. I guess I should really get used to these things in reality, because I'm sure it's going to be like this for the rest of my life.

And for the record, because you know who are you, I'm not holding any of it against you...nor am I trying to upset you or yell at you. I'm not mad at anyone, well honestly I am because..well I'm just am, but I'm just more pissed off with a certain situation than I am people. But there's not much I can do about it so I guess I should just shut the hell up and do what I need to do, and look past it and get over it. Yeah, that's exactly what I'll do, so you know what, it's fine really, but fuck this.

One-Way Ticket to Nowhere.

Aww.  I got an email from the band director of Middle Creek Highschool today.  I worked with their marching band this summer, and the kids always seemed to really like me.  So anyway, he emails me today thanking me for the work I did with his program, and then told me their concert is Sunday at 3pm, and that the kids were asking me to come, so he wanted to invite me.  

Stuff like that makes me feel so special, like I actually made a difference and the kids appreciate it.  I guess that's really sappy, but whatever, it's exactly why I want to teach, I look forward to it so much.

Anyway, I woke up at 1pm today.  What the hell.  I never wake up that late, it means I slept for 12 hours straight.  So not like me.  Christmas is only 2 weeks away, but it doesn't feel like it.  I just don't care this year, and I hate to sound stupid, but I guess it's because I'm alone this christmas.  I know I'm such a loser, but this is the first holiday season I've been truly 'alone' since I was 14.  So it's just weird.  

It was worth it just to learn some slight of hand

I've been at Shelia's house since Saturday night, lol. If you don't know who I'm talking about...Shelia and her family are like my second family from home. I've haven't seen any of them since September either, so I'm glad I've been here. I'll probably head home this afternoon though, my parents are probably wondering if I'm still alive.

Other things...are better. I'm kind of glad things turned out the way they did for a few reasons. The fact that we're on break is probably the best thing that could have happened. So for those worrying about things, you can stop that, because it's all good. ;)

Hm. So, I consider myself to have 2 best friends. One more so than the other, simple because the other hasn't been in my life that long. But for the one that has been in my life longer...she's not going to be here much longer. By here, I mean locally, in North Carolina. I know I'll still be able to talk to her when I need to, but it's just weird to know that someone you've known forever is no longer going to be just a few minutes drive away. I'm going to miss her terribly, and I wish I had reconciled our differences sooner than I did.

So today

has been rather uneventful. Not that big of a deal though, really. I could have gone to wilmington today and probably enjoyed it. But no, that means Jeska would have to had picked my up from my house. And my parents would completely flip out. I really don't like the fact that they hate her. In a way it's kind of not fair I guess because they are very one-sided on the whole situation. They have no idea that I even talk to her anymore, and I'm sure they'd have a few words for me if I tried to explain otherwise. Oh well, such is life.

So instead, I've chilled all day. I watched Transporter 3. Good stuff, in my opinion, even if it is unrealistic. We all need some fantasy stuff every now and then. Gets us away from everyday things, right?

Now I'm watching the Gator game on CBS. Fun.

I've had a weird feeling in the back of mind all day as well. I hope it turns out to be nothing, but it's kind of worrying me. I don't know what it is, but I hate feelings like that, but I'm sure it's nothing.

Anyway, I guess I'm going to go back and watch the game, perhaps practice horn in a little while - I really like this Bethoveen Sonata I'm working on, it's pretty pimp. Hopefully I can get it up to performance standards so I can perform it on my senior recital.

So I think...

I think I'm done.  With this I mean.  Well at least in the context that I've pretty much used it for since the end of October.  We'll see what else I have to talk about from now on.  Haha.

It's mainly because I just don't think I should anymore, it's that simple, so don't really read into anything.

Fate is an elagant .....

cold-hearted whore, she loves salting my wounds - Yes, she enjoys nothing more.

lol. I think I was moody this morning. Oh well. It happens I guess, sorry about that.

I just sat down and played my horn for about an hour. For the first time in my life, it felt therapeutic. Kinda weird. If it keeps that up, I might actually become a good horn player, because it means I start playing all the time. I really need to start getting ready for my senior recital anyway, it's coming up quick - and even if I start practicing the music now - I still wont feel prepared by the time next January comes around.

So I was thinking about...things...certain people...certain events.. I really hope stuff works out concerning those things. I really think she needs it. So I'm pulling for her to get what she wants, ;) haha, weird for me to say I know, but eh.

So while everyone else is ready for break, to leave Campbell for a month, and not have to even think about it. I'm dreading it so much. Ugh. I just don't want to sit in my room all day, every day, for the next month, but I know that it's what's going to happen. Oh well.