For your security...

Wow. Over 2 months. I'm sure you were so concerned as to my whereabouts.

So I've been busy. Perhaps so busy that I haven't really slowed down to give reality a good check. So I think reality did it for me. Was it fate? Was it destined, or simply a chance meeting? I could have gone home yesterday at 5pm. But I didn't. We could have gone to a cheap Chinese joint, but we didn't, instead we went to Hibatchi. Josh didn't have to be working, but that night - he was.

So when he told me she was in town, I didn't really know what to do. I got excited, I got scared, I got overwhelmed. Either way, I texted her, the next 'what if' that I followed through on. I didn't have to see her, but I wanted to. I wanted - no - I needed to know how things were, how it would be to be around her again after such a long time. As I would find out - it was similar to getting hit in the face with a large steel pipe.

You remember those moments as a kid when you heard something tragic like, oh, your favorite dog died? You wanted to get home, because you knew it wasn't true, that he would be running in the front yard when you got home. And when you pulled in the driveway, he wasn't there. You still knew he wasn't gone. Even after your father buried him in the back yard, you still felt he might coming running home the next day and everything would be alright? I think those fancy people in white coats call this denial. In this same token, I knew she was gone. I knew it was over and I was a mess for a while but I moved on. Told people my story, let them feel sorry for me and then pretended I was okay and it didn't bother me, like I was completely fine and completely over it.

Today showed me that I'm completely NOT over it. How can one feel some comfortable with someone else who they haven't seen in almost a year, who has a new life that doesn't concern you? How could I honestly feel as if nothing had ever changed, like we were straight back in the past and nothing had ever happened? It was a sickening feeling, one that I could not fight and one that I could not overcome. 1 hour was all it took to destroy what I had been working on for over 10 months. Is that really possible? I guess so. So I cut my losses and left after that first hour. I knew anything else was just going to degrade the situation even more.

Sigh. Today was such a weird day. It was probably the closest thing to an out of body experience that I'll ever go through. It sucks to see someone else completely moved on and happy; knowing that you no longer bear any importance in their life other than casual and mutual respect and a sort of deserving friendship that you only give out of courtesy. But how do you tell them that they still mean everything to you. That there hasn't been a day in which they weren't on your mind. That you still can't move on because everyone you meet you shut out and close the door on because they're just simply not like you. How you do tell them that?!

You don't. You bite your lip, give them a hug, tell them that it was good to seem them and you hope everything goes well. And then you let them walk out of your life again, and start over.