Blah. Reading something else made me think of this...Friday was 3 months since she left me.
Funny thing was that she was the last thing on my mind that day. Someone else has been, and it's left me in a situation in which i don't know what to do. I don't want people think I've completely moved on from Jeska, but she's done nothing but treated me like shit lately, and basically she's pushed me almost to the point to hate her, and I even hear rumors of other people she possibly slept with. Ugh. But whatever.
So now I need to figure out what to do with my situation.
Do I ignore it? go on with it? Blah I don't want to make the wrong decision and mess anything up. I worry I wont compare to a certain someone....*sigh* Sometimes I get all the right signals, and sometimes I feel hopeless about it. Ugh I kinda just wish I was better at this whole thing, but I'm not.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Monday, October 20, 2008
Rules of Engagement.
So. Life is still a wreck. more so now than before! Actually, let me start by saying some good things that seem to be happening in my life right now.
I'm doing pretty well in school. Conducting is getting better, I'm starting to be a little bit better of a player, and in general my grades are better. So yes, this is good. Also, I have a phone again. That month without one was torture, and you just be quiet before you make fun of my attachment to my cell phone.
"Her" situation keeps getting worse, as she's made a commitment she had no right making. However, it is her life, so be it. As mean and as bitter as it sounds, one day, when it all falls apart and she regrets it, I'd like to be the first in line to say "I told you so." Then again, for all I know I'll be eating those words later on.
Anyway. Another issue that bothers me. Hm. I can't really say too much about it, just because I don't really think I should? Plus it kinda doesn't matter, I think it's all in vain anyway, lol. It is times like these I wish I had a 'curiosity machine' ...that is a machine that would let you test out things that make you curious without actually having to go through with them, saving yourself time and embarrassment. But then again, I guess that would take the fun out of life, eh?
Blah, Stay Classy Bitches.
I'm doing pretty well in school. Conducting is getting better, I'm starting to be a little bit better of a player, and in general my grades are better. So yes, this is good. Also, I have a phone again. That month without one was torture, and you just be quiet before you make fun of my attachment to my cell phone.
"Her" situation keeps getting worse, as she's made a commitment she had no right making. However, it is her life, so be it. As mean and as bitter as it sounds, one day, when it all falls apart and she regrets it, I'd like to be the first in line to say "I told you so." Then again, for all I know I'll be eating those words later on.
Anyway. Another issue that bothers me. Hm. I can't really say too much about it, just because I don't really think I should? Plus it kinda doesn't matter, I think it's all in vain anyway, lol. It is times like these I wish I had a 'curiosity machine' ...that is a machine that would let you test out things that make you curious without actually having to go through with them, saving yourself time and embarrassment. But then again, I guess that would take the fun out of life, eh?
Blah, Stay Classy Bitches.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
A New Beginning
So I haven't used this thing since January, where it started as an attempt for me to speak my mind and spread a little bit of humor. Although I'm sure all of 3.4 people in the world even read any of it.
Life has changed so much for now that I think I might actually use this like I'm supposed to. And it starts like this....
Life without Jeska Blevins. I still don't really understand how it even got to this point? It's crazy the direction that life can take you in. It's easy to feel as if you have more control over than you really do. Because in the end, the decisions that make or break you, aren't even made by you.
I would like to say that reflecting on my relationship with her, we both did more wrong than anyone should do to their partner. Either way, it was done, and love did not prevail. That's why movies are bad, because love always wins at the end. It's important for me to realize that no matter what, I can always say that Jeska Blevins made me a better person, and I will always remember her for that. She taught me to actually understand and value love for what it really is. She was also the first girl to ever break my heart.
Now that she begins a new chapter in her life...one that I had intended to give her, but was not given the chance, I worry for the new chapter I have to embark on. I'm not ready, and I feel as if this part of my life isn't finished, so how can I move on. My mind is filled with a million questions....will she be happy?...will I be happy?...will I ever love again?...will we meet again along the course of our life?...
It's hard to say, because well, we'll never know. It's a hard to decision to move on when you don't want to. It's always filled with the fear of that I'll move on, and as soon as I do, she'll change her mind and want me back. It's a dumb, pointless paradox. But it's one I'm stuck in. Perhaps I need to do what she did, get into a new relationship to make myself get over it? hmm. That seems really selfish. But then again it's working out well for her, isn't it?
I'm glad to say that there are at least some people who have been for me through it all, and I appreciate them more than they probably know, ha...so anyway, we'll just have to see what twist life has for me next...oh yeah....Stay Classy ;)
Life has changed so much for now that I think I might actually use this like I'm supposed to. And it starts like this....
Life without Jeska Blevins. I still don't really understand how it even got to this point? It's crazy the direction that life can take you in. It's easy to feel as if you have more control over than you really do. Because in the end, the decisions that make or break you, aren't even made by you.
I would like to say that reflecting on my relationship with her, we both did more wrong than anyone should do to their partner. Either way, it was done, and love did not prevail. That's why movies are bad, because love always wins at the end. It's important for me to realize that no matter what, I can always say that Jeska Blevins made me a better person, and I will always remember her for that. She taught me to actually understand and value love for what it really is. She was also the first girl to ever break my heart.
Now that she begins a new chapter in her life...one that I had intended to give her, but was not given the chance, I worry for the new chapter I have to embark on. I'm not ready, and I feel as if this part of my life isn't finished, so how can I move on. My mind is filled with a million questions....will she be happy?...will I be happy?...will I ever love again?...will we meet again along the course of our life?...
It's hard to say, because well, we'll never know. It's a hard to decision to move on when you don't want to. It's always filled with the fear of that I'll move on, and as soon as I do, she'll change her mind and want me back. It's a dumb, pointless paradox. But it's one I'm stuck in. Perhaps I need to do what she did, get into a new relationship to make myself get over it? hmm. That seems really selfish. But then again it's working out well for her, isn't it?
I'm glad to say that there are at least some people who have been for me through it all, and I appreciate them more than they probably know, ha...so anyway, we'll just have to see what twist life has for me next...oh yeah....Stay Classy ;)
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