And then...

So. Guess what. I'm happy. haha. I know that seems so silly to just blurt that out, but it's all I can think about. nope that's a lie. All I can think about is her and how happy she makes me. Here I was thinking I'd go through a holiday alone and sad. Not anymore. I'm happier than I've been in so long - and that's amazing. She's amazing actually. I haven't felt this connection in so long. Even the last relationship I was in took a while to get that feeling. This one has it right from the start.

Side note...Carolina Gold is starting up. Time to get in the shape. I'm excited for the upcoming season. Now I just gotta go to the gym more. My mile run came in at 10:58 today. Lets see how low I can get it down. :)

Happy and smitten over a girl = the best feeling ever.

Friendship vs. The Other...

So. Back to this said situation. I know I complain about it a lot but I don't really have anyone to talk to about it, so. I'll vent here. Deal with it.

Why is everything so complicated? What started out as just friends has turned into this...thing...we have for each other. We definitely have feelings towards each other. Strong ones. It's not that big of a deal except...she still has that bf thing going on. So lets define cheating for a minute..

lets compare friend versus what i'm going to call the other.

Friend of opposite sex.

1. you love your friend and can do anything for them, but never think of them sexually.

2. you don't share details of your relationships with your friend, especially troubled parts.

3. you look forward to catching up with your friend, but don't always want to see them, especially when your with your partner.

4. your partner knows about your friend, and knows when you hang out and doesn't mind.

5. you don't daydream or fantasize about your friend often.

Friend at risk of being the other.

1. there is chemistry and attraction developed.

2. you share details of your relationship with your friend, and they listen to you so well.

3. you find yourself wanting to be with your friend, even when you're with your partner.

4. you hid your friendship from your partner.

5. you daydream often about your friend.

I know exactly where i fit in with her. it's all 5 of the other... Sigh. And i'm completely content with that because I'm kinda head over heels for her as well. The problem is...it doesn't fix the problem of her boyfriend...such as:

...she's lying to him. (Granted she feel bad it's not like she doesn't have a conscious.)

...she's holding back from me. By that i mean that we have a very emotional relationship...without the physical part she shares with her boyfriend. Given we cuddle, hold each other and stuff, that's it. It's like if I was to kiss her that would be off limits. and that sucks. A lot. Because, I realize it's not really right for me to feel that way, but I'm jealous. Jealous that he gets to have all of her without her holding back to him.

I mean...i know she said I make her feel different than her boyfriend does...but...I almost want to say don't hold back. It's almost like I feel if you're going to emotional be attached with me, whats the big deal about the next step? That opinion probably differs from person to person, but to me, it's like only going waist deep in the pool. sure you have a little fun and get your feet wet, but you'd have such a better experience if you just took a dive in. Don't hold back.

Sigh.

Like nothing every happened?

So...I'm sorry. If you decide that you're randomly going to go after someone for whatever reason you decided in the first place...and you get all flirty and cute and generally act like you want to date...AND THEN. you change your mind? Well please don't disappear for 2 weeks and then pretend it never happened when you come back around. It's weird and it makes me feel funny. I know it wasn't that serious to you, but it kinda hurt me a little. So...yeah. Don't act like it didn't happen, because it definitely did... just saying.

On another note...(and not the same person...this relates to the person i was talking about in the last post.) Gah. You amaze me, for a few reasons. Nothing is better than the feeling that you just connect with someone. It's so rare and...refreshing. Literally one of the things I look forward to is talking to you at some point every day.

PS. I'm a loser. lol.

Little Situations

So, uh. Yeah. If you know anything about me, then you very well know that I tend to get into really...REALLY. weird situations.

So guess what I've done? Got myself into a really...REALLY. weird situation. Funny thing is...I can't say a whole lot about it. That would be wrong. But I've got to say something at least to get it off my chest. Don't you just love how human nature is that you have to just say some things out loud for you to be okay with them or to feel like you have some sense of belonging?

So the question is. What do you do when you find yourself...how do I say...wedging yourself in the middle of a couple's relationship? I guess that's the best way. Many of you may know it better as simply being into a girl who has a boyfriend. lol. Take your pick, I don't care.

But normally such a situation is pretty clear cut. Leave it alone...let it be...too bad, too sad. Right? But then what if you've done and made that clear and then the girl kinda...gets torn between what she knows is right versus what what she wants. Well then I guess I kinda feel like a home wrecker. They were doing fine before all this. Well at least it seems. I guess you could argue obviously not if this is happening now, there was some problem before hand that let her open up and get to where you two are at now. Maybe.. I don't know. Which makes me kinda feel like a douchebag. Because she'd probably be all 'la-de-da' and happy without me stepping into the scene and making things all complicated. I know she cares about him, I know she loves him. But then what are we? How did any feelings get transferred between us? I guess it's just a confusing circle. So anyway, it seems that now I look back at myself on this I see two versions of me.

Version A:

Chris, that's messed up, wtf are you doing? She has a boyfriend, dude. Even if you like her, and even if she has a little something for you, you have no right to get involved with any of that. You need to back off and just realize how things are sometimes, this just isn't the one for you. You should feel bad for coaxing her into your little world, it's not fair to you, her, or ...him. So let it go and leave her alone. Go against everything you feel to do what is right.

Version B:

Man. I can't believe I got myself into this. But she obviously likes you back. The heart wants what it wants, so if that's how's she feels just go with it, right? Yeah, she has a boyfriend, but she'll either break up with him, or you'll just continue like you are right now. Consider it a...compromise. A compromise that if you can't date her, at least you can still be...whatever it is you are with her now, because dammit she makes you happy, and you obviously make her happy...so...it is what it is, the rest is out of your hands.

The problem is version B is winning. Well, when I'm with her at least. Then as soon as she leaves and we start texting or whatnot...version A pops up and hits me in the back of the head. I guess that shows I have SOME morals, I just have a really hard time sticking to those said morals. So the question becomes, which one do I want to stick with? I know which one serves my immediate gratification, and makes me feel happy...and like I matter to someone for once.. And which one is technically proper.

And before you start thinking negatively about said girl, she's a beautiful, awesome, and amazing person that means the world to me. But things happen, and we can all end up being in a situation we didn't foresee happening in the first place. That's part of life, and that's why life is complicated and confusing...and..yeah.

And then there's the whole other issue I can't really talk about. Man, my life is complicated.

My Name is Chris

So...is it weird that i have 2 lives?

the first life i have is my 'work' life. the one that takes up about 15 hours of a day 6 days a week. that's great. I'm happy with it. It's awesome. I work with great kids, they're being successful, and I feel successful with it.

the second life is my 'free time' the one where i come home and sit on the couch all day, and do absolutely nothing because I have no real friends in my life. I mean, I can't barely get anyone to do anything with me. Am I that bad? Really? I'm tired of going out all the time by myself. I'm tired of being alone. I hate the 2nd life I live.

What you do shouts so loudly...

That I cannot hear what you say.

Hey, that's something that Ralph Waldo Emerson said that once...

So I've done something stupid and made someone I care about a lot not trust me anymore. And I know that the quote above is directly what is going through that person's head, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.

It sucks. But what am I supposed to do? Yes you can admit wrong, and yes you can so called 'change' but if that person never actually forgives you for it...you're screwed. And guess what I am? Screwed.

"You'll never get married Mr. Langdon" -A student said this to me last week. While I know that she was entirely just joking...she's also probably exactly right. (No, I'm not saying the above situation was going to lead to marriage or anything, but it just makes me think in general.)

I probably won't. Every relationship I get into falls apart. Whether it be my fault or not...something always happens. After a while you just figure it's you and that, hey, that's just how you're destined to be.

I just want to be happy, for once. -And to have it last.

System Reboot

Wow. What's up? It's been an extremely long time since I used this thing. I had almost forgotten I even had it. But that's okay. It happens.

I have a whole whole whole lot on my mind right now. Most of which has already come out today...but much of which is still tucked away in the corners of my mind.. It's funny the direction that life takes you, and the people that are placed in it. Everyone has someone that they wonder why they know them, or why someone happens to be in their life. I think that is a completely normal human emotion. The problem with that question is more often then not - the answer...

Sigh I find myself really incoherent tonight...is it really that big of a deal to me. Yes. I've never been forced in the situation I'm in now. I kinda feel cornered, like an animal that's going to freak the hell out at some point and kill somebody. haha.

Anyway. Perhaps this will become a medium for me to talk through for a while. We'll see.

***

I know it's not goodbye it is at the same time. ..I guess that's why I want to spend time with you, I'm just not ready for you to leave...even if you're coming back later it still sucks - because even when you come back it's just so that you can leave again...and as weird as it sounds you're the most important person in my life right now and I'm just not ready to see you walk away and hope I see you again one day. You're probably the most amazing and genuine person I've ever met and if I could have one thing it'd be to hold you, whisper 3 words in your ear, and not care about anything else.